So, how are we doing on our 2017 resolutions?
NOT GREAT, BOB.
I just started as a copywriter at Ivor Andrew and I’ve noticed that my new colleagues are all about self improvement and shooting for the stars and whatever. When 2017 started, they put down the bubbly and got to resoluting (not actually a word).
Now that the year is almost half over, it’s time for a check-in. Because I’m new, they made me write it. Along the way, I learned that some of us are doing great on our resolutions. Most of us are failing hard.
Rafal Zielinski, Designer
He kept it pretty simple. His top (and only) three resolutions were as follows:
“1. Survive
2. Thrive
3. Recapitulate”
As far as we know, Rafal is still alive and sitting at his desk doing what he does best. Keep it up, Rafal!
GRADE: A
Liz Strauchen, Account Supervisor
Liz kept her resolution short and sweet:
“Keep my desk clean. Post-its and papers and piles, oh my!”
I just glanced at her desk. It’s not perfect, but it could definitely be worse. Plus, she has a pretty new orchid.
GRADE: B+
Susan Booton, Project Manager
Wise people know not to make too many resolutions. Susan is wise.
“Learn to like Keith’s car. Or at least tolerate it.”
How’s it going? She’s not optimistic. “I’m not sure this is gonna happen. When it’s not obvious how to use the windshield wipers on a car, or how to put it in reverse, I’m thinking the entire thing needs to be re-designed. Ultimate driving machine…NOT.”
GRADE: Incomplete
Now let’s dig a little deeper, a little darker.
Luke Trayser, Senior Copywriter
Luke showed us his true colors.
1. Steal Keith’s car.
2. No other resolutions.
So, Does Keith still have his car? Yes he does. Luke is bad at resolutions.
Luke: Hey, hang on! I drove Keith’s car to the courthouse when I had jury duty.
Me: Did you have permission to take it?
Luke: …Yes.
GRADE: F
Keith Booton, President
Keith, like any skilled businessman, read the room and adapted on the fly.
“Keep my car safe from both Susan and Luke.”
GRADE: A
Steph Behrens, Account Supervisor
She had a couple. The first one is vital:
“Learn how to clean the coffee maker.”
Steph: Took 4.5 months and a 40-minute attempt for me to quit trying and ask Shannon to help me.
Shannon: Don’t even get me started on this. Who knew cleaning a coffee maker could be that difficult?
Luke: Trying to clean the coffee maker singlehandedly made me switch to tea.
GRADE: F
Steph’s second resolution was related to the first. So smart.
“Learn how to actually enjoy the taste of coffee.”
Steph: I drink it black now and hate myself a little less as a human.
Alex D: That’s a lie.
Liz: But do you actually enjoy drinking it black?
Steph: I’m still confused about the whole thing. Maybe if I mix La Croix in with it, it’ll taste better.
Alex D: Well now you’re just moving backwards.
Luke: Gonna leave this here.
GRADE: C
Doug Carter, Creative Director
Resolution 1:
“Figure out why the tires in the company’s Honda Fit don’t hold air.”
Liz: Way to go, Doug! I was getting sick of that darn ‘low tire’ alert.
GRADE: A+
Resolution 2:
“Do awesome stuff.”
Doug: Well, yeah. Of course this one got done.
GRADE: A+
Alex Laniosz, Designer
“I have a blog where I’m documenting my process of learning how to design clothes. I plan on posting there weekly in 2017.”
Alex L: Oops.
GRADE: D
Alex L: BUT I also have a goal to make at least one photography book every year of my life. I made three in 2016, so I’m off to a good start.
GRADE: A
Keith: I’ve got a signed copy of your first photography book locked up in a vault. This will put my kids through college someday!
Susan: I haven’t seen a single one of these! I feel extremely uncultured.
Stuart Hotwagner, Videographer
Resolution 1:
“Get a door.”
GRADE: F
Steph: No one here has a door here except Keith and Doug and they always have them open anyway. Who do you think you are?
Susan: I’m totally ordering a beaded curtain for you guys. It’ll suit you.
Luke: We need to hang up a plain bed sheet. That’s what suits those guys.
Stu: Please get us the emerald gate from Wizard of Oz and nothing less.
Alex Donnelly, Videographer
“Teach Stu about personal space in our video editing suite that’s built for one.”
Alex D: Nothing got done. If anything, we’ve regressed.
GRADE: :(
Stu: Collaboration goes more smoothly if you’re spooning, though.
GRADE: awwwwwwww
Susan: Should I also order a room divider along with the beaded curtain for you guys?
Shannon McCarthy, Marketing Assistant
Join a gym or become more active in general, instead of just binge watching Netflix.
Shannon: No gym membership yet, but I exercise while watching Netflix.
Grade: B
Ken Ball, Senior Copywriter
Ken had one of those “healthy” goals. He thinks he’s better than us.
“Drink more water.”
Keith: I can’t say for sure that I’ve ever seen you drink a glass of water, Ken.
Ken: No comment. Last time we got into this it spawned the La Croix fiasco.
GRADE: Your guess is as good as mine. Let’s say C.
This concludes Ivor Andrew’s mid-May resolutions recap.
You have yourself an excellent day and/or weekend.
