Don’t just BE a straight ally, talk about it.

Kinda hard to feel support from an ally who is in the closet

So you think you are a great colleague/relation/friend of course you have no issue with someone being LBGT, that goes without saying doesn’t it? Well let me share my perspective on why you may like to think again........

A couple of years ago, in the IBM UK Software Development Labs we ran some manager education about the business drivers behind, and the challenges of having LBGT folks in our teams. The feedback we received was very positive from the management community, many comments about how it helped them to better understand the challenges of being LGBT in the workplace, the cost of thinking twice (where an LGBT person has to expense brain power and resources to filter their communications and ensure they don't 'give themselves away') and that many countries in the world do not have as inclusive laws as the UK and so travel must be carefully managed (imagine being asked to travel to a country where being married to your husband or wife was illegal, punishable by death!). The presentation and discussions were so well received that the LGBT leader was invited to repeat them at nearly all of the large department all hands in the UK Labs.

Great, fantastic everyone on board, job done? Well no, but frankly I only became aware of a somewhat large hole in our efforts in the last few months...... so what happened?

Recently IBM has released some brief but thought provoking education about how to be a (better) straight ally which has been rolled out globally. I completed this and publicly declared myself to be a straight ally using the various communication methods available in this modern world...... I then reached out to my peers, the technical leaders in our organisation and my own managers and asked them to strongly consider doing the same. The result.... tumbleweed.....! Well not quite. A few great folks did exactly what I asked - each putting their unique perspective on the importance of being a public ally, but they were very much the handful, the minority. Now I think I know my peers pretty well and they are not a discriminatory or non-inclusive bunch so I found this a little odd and set about asking around on why people hadn't done this.

The answer came back along the lines of "I don't need to, of course I am a straight ally, I have no prejudices, I certainly have never displayed them and so therefore I have no need to publicly say otherwise". This was good news, the problem was not that people did not consider themselves to be a straight ally, but just that they didn't consider the need to say so..... unfortunately the second part of this is (with the greatest respect to my colleagues) somewhat flawed. Let me explain why I think that.....

When the diversity 'faultline' between us is obvious to see, as it mostly is with gender and sometimes is with ethnic diversity then very possibly publicly being an ally is not as necessary; my team can observe me working day to day with someone of the opposite sex or a race, and see, and importantly feel, that I fundamentally behave no differently to and with them as I do members of my own sex or race. Armed with this experience and knowledge of me they can trust me to value them as an individual, and not judge them based on whether they are male, female, black, white or whatever. For the LGBT colleague or employee, though the difference between us is likely hidden and so unless another member of the team with which I work is openly LGBT (and since only 3% of the UK population is LGBT and many choose not to be out at work, then that is unlikely) they never get to experience, or know that should they be open about their choice of partner or gender identity, I can also be trusted to treat them as an equally respected individual. You may argue does one not follow from the other? If I am inclusive in one way can you not assume I am inclusive in another, but think of the experience of a young gay man whose father entirely accepts and publicly supports his sister for being who she is (female) and yet struggles or worse still is unable to accept the brother for how he is (gay). Sadly in today's society that situation is still very much real whether we are talking family, friends, people on the street or in the football terraces. Every LGBT person has met a number of people who do not accept and value them for who they are, and our actual experience of a situation affects our perception of the risk involved in a similar one and coming out to you manager or colleagues as LGBT is not a decision you can unmake if the reaction is negative, it is somewhat permanent!

So the only way that we can help mitigate the risk which our LGBT colleagues feel when considering bringing their whole authentic self to work, is for us all to publicly state our position as a straight ally, commit to gaining a better understanding of the challenges and being fully inclusive of all the personalities and individuals that make up our teams, explicitly including LGBT in that. Saying nothing because someone's sexuality or gender identity is not important to you, is missing the point that it is important to them and actually knowing you will support them rather than having to guess or hope you will be if the need arises can make a great difference to how included and comfortable they feel.... whether they choose to be 'out' at work, or not.

The cost of thinking twice and my perspective on it has been covered elsewhere including in my own experience of Pride here (https://ibm.biz/BdRGuu). However with some comments of it not mattering who you went home to at night echoing in my ears, I thought I would observe my own interactions for a few days. I am not an overly social chatty person, I don't consider I share a great deal on a daily basis about my life outside of work, yet lo and behold when I actually observed myself there were at least 1-2 occasions every day that I referred to my husband, some in response to a 'how was your weekend' and one even in response to can you do this (travel) at work. I am lucky, in those instances I didn't have to 'think twice' to ensure that I keep the pronoun or name of my partner hidden in case it changed the reaction of the other person to me, I do get to bring my whole self to work.... and if you are still not sure how not bringing your whole, authentic self to work can impact both business and individuals don't just take it from me https://ibm.biz/BdRGpK

So at the end of this what do you do, what is the call to action?

It is simple,

1. Find out what being a Straight Ally means — go on google it, I dare you! Or try here https://ibm.biz/BdRGLd
2. Find out if your workplace or school as a LGBT Support Program — if so ask if you can join as a straight ally and how you can help.
3. and then talk about it, be public about it, stop pretending that saying nothing is an indicator of acceptance, because to a group of individuals who have inevitably experienced negative reactions, it is not, and while you can not take responsibility for the actions of all human being, you certainly can for yourself!

As always, I speak for myself, from my experience which is not the same as everyone else’s, so I would love to get your feedback and view on my perspective, I often need educating!