We want you back….
A while back I wrote a blog about attracting girls into tech careers, I got some great feedback, however interestingly the loudest of which was along the lines of “great, but what about keeping women in tech, especially after they have had children?”. My challenge here is, to use the breakfast analogy, I am the chicken rather than the pig, as I haven’t taken a career break and don’t have kids. So I did what I think is the next best thing and got together a group of women in tech with children of varying ages, and who were in a variety of stages of their careers, and asked them to share their experiences, hints and tips….. This is the result of their knowledge sharing (with very grateful thanks!) and hopefully will bring food for thought and action not just for maternity returners, but also the people who manage and support them.
Writers note: I talk about Mums all the way through this because it followed on from Women in Tech and because I only spoke to Mums to gain my insight, however I suspect much of the advise stands for all parents, (although I am not sure that a father not taking significant paternity time away from work or having the hormonal challenges that having a child brings, quite experiences things such as the potential confidence knock quite a intensely)
Buddy Up
If you don’t already have one get yourself a mentor, in fact get 2, one who is a working Mum and can give you help, advice and importantly moral support in the early days, and a second who can help you keep the focus that you want on your career for the next few years. You may want to wait a bit before you get the second, but don’t leave it too long, sponsorship & encouragement are important in the longer term. Don’t be frightened to be clear on what you need their help with at a given time, some women with mentors said they felt guilty because on their return to work they didn’t want to or couldn’t push any harder for a bit. Sometimes encouragement is needed, sometimes you need some thing that is a bit more like pressure, both in their place are good, just be honest with yourself and your mentor what you need at the time. If what you need and they can offer differ, then it is OK to step away for a bit and come back together later, much better in fact that ‘wasting’ both your time for limited benefit, when you could both be giving that time to working with someone who perhaps is better matched for that moment.
Make friends with guilt, it is going to be a companion for a while!
Parenting is a journey
Every few years things change (school hours, children’s emotional needs, other children,….), many new Mums hadn’t realised that and so had believed they were setting plans and work patterns that would remain for the next 18+ years. It also meant that they had not couched their discussions on hours, activities and even ambition in those changing terms for the people around them, including their manager. Many of the women found that yes, for a few years they needed to ‘take their foot off the gas a bit’, but not for ever, some even surprised themselves how soon they did want more responsibility and challenge in work, while of course still retaining some flexibility.
IBM’s flexible working contract with an individual has to be reviewed at regular intervals as part of the process, many found that helpful as a forced opportunity to step off the eternal working parent merry-go-round (for a short time!) and think about whether their and their families’ needs had changed.
More Feedback Please
On returning to work you need more frequent feedback from your manager than previously, I think every woman I spoke to felt like they were doing 2 jobs (Mum and developer/tester/writer/….) not very well, yet talking to managers this was not the case at all. However those conversations were often not happening until the women had pretty much convinced themselves beyond all reasonable doubt that they were not performing well, with all the knock on effects that lack of confidence and sense of value this brings. The issue is that it is hard to be kind to yourself at this point, for a whole raft of reasons, so you are needy for confidence and reassurance. The likelihood is you are doing just fine, but you need not to be worried to ask and your manager needs to be that bit more forthcoming with reassurance.
Share & Support
There is a need to share best practices and to have a support group around you. Antenatal or postnatal groups that are knowledgeable, sharing and supportive are great, especially soon after having a new baby, however they cannot necessarily help you with the process and experience of returning to work, in fact some women actually felt judged by such groups in some areas and thus felt they could share none of the working related challenges. Recognising that you may need a slightly different (possibly additive rather than alternative) support group is important, and companies that help facilitate and publicise these help themselves.
“I knew there were other Mums out there, but not how to connect with them”
Organisations need to actively ‘insert’ links and help build communities as returners are feeling “it is just me, I can rely on only me I have to cope”.
Hours vs Energy
“Until I had kids I didn’t realise that work-life balance is not just about hours it is about responsibility and mental energy. I am running 3 lives.”
Organisation and partitioning out the hours can help to a point, but you do need to understand it is not just about that. You need to think about how much total energy you have and how, when and where you can spend that and how when and where you are going to recharge it.
Research has proved that mental energy is not an infinite resource, you do use it up during the day, which in turn causes things like decision fatigue, the more decisions you make (or have to make), the harder it is to make them. In fact even the US President uses this information to manage his energy levels ( http://www.fastcompany.com/3026265/work-smart/always-wear-the-same-suit-obamas-presidential-productivity-secrets). There may be some ideas that those doing the complex job of running a home and family could steal from the man running America (or the research behind his approach).
Your Support Network Is Key
Them being able to demonstrate flexibility as well as you helps and there was much nodding when someone said knowing who is ‘on point’ at any given time is essential. I certainly have heard parents before explain the ‘baton passing’ system so that they knew which person (other parent/ relative/child care/friend…) could, if needed, be called in an emergency, or just who was going to be at the school gates on a given day!
What worked well?
“I felt like manager wanted me back on any terms which was fabulous, many friends didn’t experienced that”
“Sitting next to Mum of 2 was massive help, that I didn’t realise at the time!”. One mum shared a story of when that dreaded phone call that my child was sick while at childcare came in for the first time she went into a mini tail-spin. Quickly the mum next to her said, you pack up your laptop, you go and collect them, and we deal with the work side, that is how it works. It was apparently a huge relief to hear someone clearly say this is what I did/do, it is fine, it will be fine, making the decision of what to do clear and acceptable.
Keeping in touch days during maternity leave are very good, but the women’s experience depended on the organisation and in particular whether their manager encouraged it or employee had to push it. Manager pull is better, you already feel out of it, so it is nice to feel that you are wanted back, even if just for a few hours and that you won’t just be getting in the way.
Actually working in tech is good, it is flexible, especially development roles as often many things don’t have to be done in a given hour of the day. In fact, given the historical statistical likelihood of sticking to any project plan in software then you would be mad to 100% commit to a given task in a time frame ;o). The technology itself adds to the flexibility, often when you need to you can work from home (although some said that worked for them others that it definitively did not!)
And not so well?
“ I had been a team lead and was dropped back into team rather than lead position, felt like had to work back up again”
Shorter days are harder, “I actually do hate leaving at 3, but it is what I need to do for my family”, I am not sure that everyone appreciates that walking away from an office full of people working, even if you are not paid for it mostly feels bad, not good!
“Schools expect you to turn up at sooo many events and at awkward times like 10am, bang in the middle of a morning!”
This is my best chicken’s-eye-view, however I am sure there are many of you out there who can add to these hints, tips and ideas from your experience and to help others when they find themselves in this new, exciting and exhausting position…… I would love to hear them.
“Is it amazing what you can achieve between 9pm & midnight.”
Summary
For The Maternity Returners Manager/Leader
- Keeping in touch days are good during maternity leave, you should ‘actively’ encourage them
- Sit a new maternity returner near an existing Mum where it makes sense for a little while at least.
- Give plenty of feedback in the first few months, more than normal (she can always tell you to stop if it is too much!)
- Create an environment and structure that encourages, support & sharing amongst returners
For Maternity Returners
- Get a mentor or 2
- Keep reviewing, don’t assume needs will stay the same
- Find support (and of course be it when you can)
- Remember to manage your energy, not just your hours
Grateful thanks to those women who helped both with my research for this, and reviewing it; including May Glover Gunn (@maygg), Melita Saville (@melitasaville) & Rachel Jackson.
