Impostor Syndrome
It’s strange, how someone can feel like they are lying to the world about something they believe. A lot of professionals get this feeling, especially creative types. That feeling that you’ve tricked the world into believing this elaborate lie you’ve created, and that eventually someone will figure you out for the fraud you are… It’s a pretty self-defeating notion that sounds insane from the outside. Like… of COURSE you’re a writer or an artist or a game designer if you identify closely with those things and have produced something in that field. Thinking otherwise is insane, look at all the evidence to the contrary! But regardless, people can feel this way to the end of their days… which is why feeling this way about my own mental illness is fucking baffling.
Impostor Syndrome sounds crazy for professional work, but to feel it about a diagnosed mental illness? Still, it’s something I, and I’m sure many other people, feel daily. What if I’m wrong and I’m just lazy? What if the doctor misdiagnosed me? What if I’ve just tricked myself into thinking I’m broken?! Obviously someone is going to prove that I’m full of shit someday and I’ll just have to admit that there’s nothing wrong with me… I’m consciously aware that this is a really stupid way to think, but that doesn’t stop me from losing my fucking mind about it.
A literal professional diagnosed me with this illness, I’m on medication that is having a real, tangible effect on my life, even the people close to me have noticed an drastic change in me when I started that medication… but all the evidence in the world isn’t enough. Every day I still get the sense that I might be wrong, that maybe they’re lying to me, that maybe that doctor was wrong… it’s all technically possible. Statistically improbable, but technically possible.
I’d like to say I’ve found a way to shut this out. That I’ve learned some miracle cure for this bizarre and intangible notion that I’m somehow the most impressive liar in the world, that I’ve somehow managed to fool blood work, friends, co-workers, professionals, even random strangers… But I really haven’t. And I don’t think that’s because there’s no way around it; I think it’s because it’s an optimistic thought. After all, if I’m wrong, if I’ve somehow managed to trick the world, then there’s nothing wrong with me. Hell, not only is nothing wrong with me, but I’m such a clever person that I’ve managed to trick the whole world into believing me. Who doesn’t want to think that they are totally ok and amazing?
But I’m not ok. I’m not lying to anyone. This is real, and I have to accept that.
