Who am I?

So… I think I’m Agender?

I’ve been thinking about Gender for a long time now, and how I relate to it. Up until recently I always consciously considered myself a Man. I mean, My entire body is strung up that way: I have a broad frame, I look weird without a beard, and I carry myself in a very masculine way. Pretty much everything about my countenance screams Man. And I don’t hate that. I just hate that it seems to be mutually exclusive with my mental image of myself?

It’s not like I envision myself as overtly feminine or anything. Just… I guess more androgynous? And for some reason a lot of that focuses on my hands. I have these bear paws where most people have hands, but I always think they’re thinner, long and spidery like a disney villain. To the point where I have this weird disconnect when I consciously look at them for the first time in a given day. Like I’m surprised that they’re there, or I think they might be someone else’s for a moment. In fact that’s kind of the way I see my entire body in microcosm. Everything is just a bit too broad, a bit too thick, like I was somehow squashed and stretched at the same time.

I don’t even really know what started all of this. I don’t mean the thinking of myself as Agender or questioning my gender, but the mental image of myself. How did my mental image of Me get so far away from my actual body? Was it some major event that I just didn’t think about at the time, or has it just been a thousand small shifts in perspective that I couldn’t have noticed if I’d tried? Did I make the Disney Villain connection to my mental image first, or did I have a mental image that just happened to coincide with what a Disney Villain looks like? I don’t know.

And not having answers to these questions is strange. I usually pride myself on being self-aware, about taking the time to look at myself and know who I am, even if some of the things about myself I’m not fond of. I still know who I am, right? Nothing has really changed, I’ve just changed how I describe myself.

But maybe things can change? Just a little bit?

There are a lot of things I’ve always wanted to try that I’ve shied away from. Things that I know would look strange, or would clash with how I look, or would just plain start a fight that I wouldn’t want to deal with. Things I can’t even really bring myself to talk about directly here, because I’ve vehemently locked that part of me away for so long. Maybe it’s time to let some of those things out? And maybe I can start unpacking that box a little bit and trying on some new hats? I dunno.

I’m Agender. I’m terrified and excited by what that means.

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Special Thanks to:

AJ
John Beckelhymer
Katie Coker
Tyler Litton
Sara White
Thaddius Goldner
William Moton
Serenity Tomala
Brett Schoonover
Elliot Chapple