Love is not Enough

First written June 20, 2014 by Zakiya Jackson

I was maniacally listening to a song on repeat for hours when it hit me.

This song is my breakup from years ago. Wow.

Wow.

I mean it’s not literally the song I listened to. But it perfectly describes my feelings in the weeks before it happened…

And there I go down memory lane.

I was 20-something (which is fun to say now that I am so old and grown and 31 lol) when I started dating a young man that I had know for almost half my life. I did not see it coming. One day we were casually chatting on “the” Facebook. A month later he was visiting me at work.

A month after that I was kicking it with him and his family. And another month after that he flew me in to see him, in another city.

And somewhere in those months, early on, I knew that I loved him.
Ewww…God help me…that’s so mushy and Nicholas Sparks-esque .

Ughhh. Lol.

But you know, there are a few things to know about me and love. I don’t necessarily love easily, but I love you or I don’t. It’s yes or no for me. And, well, while I don’t love everyone cause I’m not addicted to love, I do have a strong sense of love and I do choose love more often than not, just in terms of people I know, period. I’m a tender, compassionate soul and when I know something, I know it.

So there I was, dating this surprising fella, loving him and keeping my mouth shut about it, hahaha. I mean I’m still old school in some ways and I was not tryna tell this man I loved him — I’d been taught that the gentlemen needs to do that first. It was cool with me that he might not feel that way and/or he might have a different concept of love than me.

Time went on and we had some bumps, one crater, along the way, but we were still on the way. So uhhh…another thing about me is that especially within a personal context, I am an affectionate and affirming person. I try to lavish those I care about. As time went on, I started sweating about my secret, my love, because I thought I might accidentally tell ole boy about it. Haha — then I’d be in all sorts of trouble, I figured. I’m also a bad liar and not always quick on my feet. I knew he wasn’t ready to say it to me yet and I was not anxious about it. But I had to tell him for my own sanity’s sake.

So I did, in a horribly mushy way. Gosh, I hope whoever I end up with could use a little extra affection, cause I got it. Ha…it was actually very sweet. I made him a card that showed him why I loved him and different things about him in particular that I loved. If memory serves me correctly…I even told him that I just needed to tell him because I couldn’t hold it anymore…and that I didn’t expect him to say the same.

And he said….

wait for it…

Nothing.

He said nothing.

No wait, for real, nothing! Lol!

He didn’t say “Thank you, I don’t know what to say.”

He didn’t say “I can’t say this back to you right now, but I appreciate your care.”

Not even “Are you sure? Have we been together long enough for you to know that? ”

He said nothing.

And that night, felt like the beginning a of longggggggg faaaalllllllll….
……..

I wanted him to say something. Say something…it didn’t have to be “right”, but it had to be something to let me know he cared and he was there. In the weeks to come, he said a lot of things…but they were filler words, if that makes sense. I kept trying to climb back up from the fall, but I hadn’t hit the bottom yet and it’s difficult to turn around while in motion. And he was pushing me farther away — I don’t think it was conscious — but his filler words were words of distance.
We tried to work things out. Things got worse. I tried harder. I think he did too…but I’m not sure. I loved him so much…oh I loved him.

Love is not enough.

Mind you, it matters, but it is not enough. I couldn’t love us together. And I couldn’t be whatever it is he needed and wanted me to be. I began to believe I was too much and too little all at the same time.

We broke up and I was devastated. I think he was pretty hurt too.

Well, enough of that. The world did not end! But I did learn some sad lessons on love and loss. And then a few months later I…hum, actually I’ll save that for another piece. 😉

Sometimes, in addition to love, we need communication…we need to say things that are hard to say for whatever reason. We need to know that love doesn’t make everything okay and we need grace AND accountability.

So — what was the song I was listening to?

I’m glad I loved him and I almost wish love had been enough.

But I also wish I was in Rio…comforting some of those futbol players. #FifaWorldCup 😉

So since I can’t have everything I wish for, I’ll just do what I do, say something, write something, sing something, dance something, hope something and pray that someone who could use it, is listening, watching, joining. #thinkdiscussengage #saysomething #collectedyoungminds

“Say Something”

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on youAnd I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something…

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Corey Ponder

Corey Ponder

Tech policy professional by day, wannabe superhero by night. Passionate about building communities, spaces, and platforms focused on inclusion and empathy.