Advise on Advice
A lot of people say that our generation is a “babied” generation, and I sort of agree.
Our generation gets help with maybe not everything, but certainly a lot of things. Among these things are decisions. As a senior in college, I’d like to say that I’m always confident in my decision-making and that it’s independent of my parents and or other sources of influence. But, such a sentiment would be an egregious lie.
During my senior year of high school I made one of the most important decisions of my life. I was applying to and ultimately deciding where to go to college. I sent out applications to nine different colleges and universities across the northeast. Some of these applications were early decision, requiring long periods of debate and reflection; others were regular decision, occurring last minute and in the spur of the moment.
Deciding where you are going to spend the next four years of your life, where you will be studying and growing as an academic and as a person, is daunting. I remember being angry and tense for weeks, snapping at my family and friends for asking me anything about college. More likely than not, you are probably assuming that the stress of college applications and the implications of my future was getting to me. If that is the case, you’re wrong: it wasn’t the subject of the decision that was affecting me; it was the nature of the decision itself.
For as long as I can remember, the basic tenant of growing up — as told my parents — was to make your own decisions. Logically speaking, this makes sense. Children do not have the necessary amount of experience or knowledge to make informed decisions — they simply have not lived long enough. The inherent assumption is that year-by-year, you are exposed to a wide variety of encounters. Ideally, you utilize your experience with these previous encounters in situations you might encounter in the future. These encounters can differ greatly from one another, or they could be quite similar and nearly indistinguishable.
In other words, the “point” of growing up is to learn from your experiences. Specifically, we are expected to learn from these moments and apply them to future decisions. Hopefully, your decisions will serve your interests and result in a net benefit; however, that is not always the case. That is why we are gradually exposed to decision-making. Children in Kindergarten are not given the same decision making responsibilities as a high school student — growing up is a gradual increase in decision-making responsibility.
If growing up just involved more decision-making, it wouldn’t be so bad. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.
When you make a decision, especially if you’re a kid, the first thing you do is go ask Mommy or Daddy. Again, this makes sense, especially for younger children: they seek advice from the more experienced. But as you get older, this necessary approval from your parents fades away — well, at least that is the way it’s supposed to be. The “go ask Mommy or Daddy” phase has infiltrated into our adult lives.
The process, this coming of age, the incremental increase in accepted responsibility and its simultaneous increase in consequences, is inherently flawed by the very people guiding us. Our parents, our family, our lifelong influences, expect us to make educated, informed, and well thought-out decisions. At the same time, we are expected to grow up, to make our own decisions. This is simply not possible. How am I expected to learn independence and responsibility with respect to my decisions, but at the same time I have to hear all of the other additional perspectives and somehow acknowledge them in my decision-making?
This is why I sort of agree with the notion that we are a “babied generation.” We have access to readily available resources that previous generations did not — there is no denying it. But while most people view this additional aid as emotional support, material support, or having the basement available for when you graduate college and don’t have a job, I think they’re wrong. Whether it comes from our parents, our friends, our academic advisors, or even your elderly relative you meet once every ten years, we are constantly bombarded with bits and pieces of advice: “Oh, if I was your age I wouldn’t go into medicine I would do this” or “I wish I didn’t major in a science, you should look into something else” or even the simple “don’t do what I did.”
As bad as the constant flow of advice sounds, it proves even more problematic when you realize it’s not really advice. The definition of advice is: guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action, typically given by someone regarded as knowledgeable or authoritative. We are no longer “guided” or “recommended” courses of action, we are “expected” to act a certain way. Combine this realization of advice with the tenants of growing up; do you realize how f****d this is?
At its height, I feared every single interaction I had with another person about my college plans.
Daily, my parents would either indirectly comment or question me if I made any decisions regarding applying to colleges. I was sick of it. Did they think I just went about my days aimlessly, not thinking about my future? Well, maybe I wasn’t thinking specifically about what I wanted to do when I grow up, but I was constantly thinking about colleges in one way or another.
When I started hearing back from schools, it didn’t get better. I was so afraid that they would give me more “advice” on what my next stage in the application process should be I didn’t tell them when I heard back from early decision. It was horrible — I didn’t get in. I wanted to talk about it with someone and I confided with my closest friends at the time, but I couldn’t tell my parents. Yeah, part of it was that I didn’t want to disappoint them, but mainly it was a protective measure. I was already pretty shook up when my hopes of going to my dream school were shattered; dealing with more input from my family and friends, I thought, would kill me.
Four years later, I’m back in a similar situation. I have applied to a few graduate programs and I was accepted to a few of them. Now I find myself in a similar situation: I’m trying to decide between schools. I did my research, which helped narrow down the list where I would apply. I visited some schools to help my decision. I talked to previous Middlebury students that attended one school, and I reached out to a family friend that attended the other.
Family and friends, not surprisingly, have not been shy in giving me advice. I’ve tried to actively avoid the daily phone call interrogation of where I am in the process from the parents. I dread catching up with some friends about plans for next year; every conversation sounds like a broken record.
Everyday I try to think about my future, and everyday I become more and more ambivalent.
I said the situation was similar, not the same. I’m not referring to the subject of the decision — undergraduate versus graduate studies — but rather the nature of the decision itself. This time around, I’ve been trying to own my decision. I sought information, I did take some advice, but it’s my decision now. My parents haven’t changed much, but that’s actually okay. Yes, they are very heavy-handed in the advice and suggestions they give, but I know it’s because they have only the best interests for me in mind.
The hypocritical tenants of growing up, as I see it, still exist. For me, they probably aren’t going to go away for a long time (I guess that’s only fair due to my likely financial dependence on other people for an equally long time). But I don’t think that means that the nature of growing up and advice is doomed. As a senior about to graduate from college, I feel it is only fitting that it is time that I give some advice, ironically enough from my senior year high school yearbook quote, to all of us about to graduate:
“You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” — Dr. Seuss
To the parents — that includes you too, Mom and Dad — we appreciate what you do for us (but actually, we really do). But please understand that as much as it annoys you when your “annoying” friend at work keeps giving you advice, your constant advice annoys us too. That’s not meant to say that your advice is bad, or that we don’t listen to anything you have to say. In fact, I think I can honestly say that I listen to the majority of the advice that my parents have given me. But at the same time, we don’t have to listen. It is advice; it’s just a suggestion. It can be a strongly worded suggestion, even a life-changing suggestion, but it is still a suggestion.
If you don’t agree with me, that’s okay. If you think I am too sensitive or traumatized from applying to college or grad-schools, that’s okay. If you think that I am oversimplifying life, trying to defend my inabilities, that’s okay. If you think that I am myself hypocritical in writing this piece, that’s also okay. Remember, it is just advice.
