Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

Educational institutions are identity-forming mechanisms. The various ranks of college institutions result in a competition among students for acceptance into the most prestigious schools. Students compete in different ways. Some students succeed academically, while other students are accepted based on their athletic accomplishment.

While student athletes can be seen as the “in crowd” in college, the athlete is, more often than not, overwhelmed and isolated.

In my case, the skier that has attended ski academies since grade six, where skiing is privileged over academics, I feel completely alienated and powerless in the competitive environment of a prestigious school, such as Middlebury College. My alienation is characteristic of a double bind — a commodity, on the one hand, necessary to maintain the school’s value, but on the other, made to feel I do not belong, academically.

Freshman year, I became dependent on athletics to keep me motivated and successful. But my athletic career took an unexpected turn. In the past three years I’ve had several broken boned complicated by surgeries and could not compete.

—

I do not remember when skiing began or how it all happened. I do not remember learning or anything. It simply was. Skiing became my first and most profound love.

When I arrived at Middlebury three years ago, I instantly realized how my personal values differed from those of the rest of the student body. Like I said, having attended ski academies since the sixth grade, I learned to prioritize my athletics over my academics. I saw Middlebury as a chance to develop a healthy identity, but as I felt alienated from the majority of the student body, my journey towards this identity was infected with anxiety, fear, and a great ambiguity about my purpose.

Ski racing was always a coping mechanism that allowed me to escape this feeling of despair. Much like my experience as a ski racer, my athletic career ended before the anticipated finish line.

I can genuinely say that having to quit ski racing has been the hardest decision I’ve made. Every year, month, week and day had been planned around training schedules, where in the world I would travel next to find the snow, and mentally and physically preparing myself to finagle myself onto the U.S. Ski Team. When I realized those dreams were not a reality, I hit rock bottom. I feared the unknown, what my next step at Middlebury would be. There were nights that felt endless as I tried to understand how I could define myself without skiing. Those nights turned into weeks, and weeks into months.

I thought I was never going to admit to myself that ski racing was no longer part of my identity.

The days where I was unwilling to make that transformation into a “NARP,” (non-athletic regular person) continued. Then something came to me: a piece of small, insightful information that was passed onto me from a close friend of mine who was also foreseeing the end of his ski-racing career.

“Just because you are leaving ski racing, does not mean you must leave skiing,” said Murphy.

He was right. Knowing that skiing, my “first profound love,” will always be there, I was able to figure out my next step. I realized that my future holds much more than the risk of breaking a seventeenth bone in my body.

I did not fear the sense of defeat from quitting the sport, but rather I was terrified of how I would fit into the rigorous world of academia at Middlebury. I mean really, I never had more than three hours of class a day for the five years prior to Midd. That being said, I never described myself as an overly “academic-intellectual” individual, but rather an “athlete” who happened to take class on the side.

This was all about to change.

Fun fact: Middlebury College provides study abroad opportunities in more than forty countries and at over ninety different programs and universities. Who knew?

When I finally came across those statistics, while frantically searching for what abroad opportunities I may still have, I asked myself- why didn’t I pay attention to this, when over half of my grade is participating in these various programs?

The Middlebury Study Abroad Program mission statement states:

International Programs supports Middlebury’s mission to cultivate the intellectual, creative, physical, ethical, and social qualities essential for leadership in a rapidly changing global community.

Key words: intellectual, essential, leadership

A student’s study abroad experience should be an integral and coherent part of his or her academic program at Middlebury, enhancing the on-campus curriculum and supporting a liberal arts education. To achieve these ends, Middlebury students study abroad on academically substantive programs that foster cultural and linguistic integration.

Key words: education

Why did these key words stick out for me?

Each of those words was foreign to me. Intellectual calls for some kind of cognitive ability to understand. Essential, okay, I know this word, but it scared me to see that Middlebury was saying studying abroad was essential when I was not a part of a program yet. Leadership, uhm, okay, I was captain of my ski team in high school? Education, this term is just new: new to my vocabulary, new to my priorities, new to understanding how I would be able to define myself as a student without the athlete.

With all vocabulary lessons aside, I had finally gotten to a point where I could accept that it is okay to be wrong. It is okay to say, “I don’t know” when the professor calls on you. It is okay to transition into different identities that you’ve never experienced before, or ones that you never even knew existed. It is okay do go outside your ease and become comfortable being uncomfortable.

—

Without semesters filled with physical training and long weekends traveling to races, I looked into what study abroad opportunities I may have, an experience I thought I never could have because of the arduous athletic schedule. Overcoming my fear of being rejected anywhere outside of ski racing brought me to Nosara, Costa Rica, for the month of January during my junior year.

I went into this internship anxious and eager to help others learn English; I came out having experiences that contribute towards not only my studies at Middlebury, but also to who I am as a person — you know, the student without the athlete. I advanced my own Spanish speaking skills; I connected with people from varying socio-economic statuses, and I built strong relationships with my students that I am confident will last far beyond that January.

At first, leaving my love of ski racing sounded like leaving a piece of my heart behind, but in reality the decision gave me the chance to endure each of these amazing experiences.

—

One thing that I think Middlebury College provides the student body with since day one of our freshman year is the idea of getting comfortable being uncomfortable.

That first day felt like the hardest and most awkward experience in trying to find a place of comfort. But in reality, that day was the easiest. All we had to do was show up. Sure, it’s an uncomfortable start, but everyone told us what to do: what schedule to follow, which dining halls to eat at, and so on.

Whenever you start something, it’s hard — but remind yourself that you made this decision, the decision to commit and push forward towards an unpredictable, yet exciting, future.

But what about the “I’ve never done this before,” or the “I don’t know what I’m doing feeling,” you may ask?

We’ve all been there.

The trick is avoiding the fake it till you make it — trust me, that’s what led me to that third knee surgery.

Open your arms to endless opportunities and welcome them as you would a familiar friend. You will grow to know this new friend quite well.