Progress not perfection
I am like a strawberry… I am not sugar-coating it.
I have a blanket…. I need a shield.
Rewind!
Affluence. It is a funny thing. The actual monetary value that comes with it makes you feel like you have to be worth something. That eventually, you are going to do something great. However, it also comes with the struggle of feeling worthless — something I struggle with greatly. I don’t know what my worth is or where I contribute in the world. I have no clue. But do I have to?
We all grow up having a sort of narrative that we feel like we need to follow. Everyone’s is structured a little differently for sure but it is still a very standard story. Eventually, you end up in a spot where you have great job that makes you “happy”, you find the person you love, and the cycle continues. Suddenly, everything you do is an unconscious step to get closer and closer to that narrative. The summer internships that mean something, the grades in school, dating, exploring what you like … the list goes on. However, no one stops to think about the gaps in the narrative and what is so inherently flawed with it. Because why would we?
I am currently stuck in this narrative. Not knowing what I want to do with my life is somehow a big problem. Come on Ruhi you are twenty… you have to have some clue. I don’t. That is where the other juxtaposition lies. If I was given everything I needed to help me figure it out, why am I not able to? If I was given everything I needed to succeed, why shouldn’t I be able to ? That is how this unnecessary first world dilemma started to consume me — I was trapped in a place where I believed I had to be perfect. I was moving along an extensive conveyor belt of consciousness following this narrative that asks of me not to trust my instinct. Even as William Rhoden cogently underscores in Forty Million Dollar Slaves, “The system is the Conveyor Belt… and the best way to continue the trip on the conveyor belt is to accept the power structure as it is” (Rhodes, p169). Just stick to the timeline… it only shrinks.
I have so much fear because of this. Will I make the narrative real? And if I do will I be happy with what I achieved? Or contributed? I am afraid the answer is no. However, if I don’t even try to follow the narrative, I might feel even more lost. In order to take a break from this constant conflict I battle, sports acts as an outlet. As Rhodes says, “athletic competition became a mode of expression and transformation” (Rhodes, p53). Whether be it watching or playing, it is my break. However, with it comes the avarice aspects of capitalism that sells unreal ideas of success back to us. Take our very own athletic center for example — it is practically a museum! History, success, different time periods it is all laid out for you…achieve it. So the cycle continues. It allows me to believe that I can be like the people I see on television. I can do anything I want to. It makes me long for something. Danger!! Simultaneously, it comes with a sense of togetherness and meaning which is a constant in my life. Although it might be a false belief that is fed to me, it gives me an alternative way of thinking. Sometimes, the metric of success does not always have to be monetary or career related. It could be a more holistic equation. The pure joy of enjoying a moment. As David Shields says in Body Politic, the Great American Sports Machine, “people are good; the system is fucked” (Shields, p87).
Unfortunately, my organically molded mind has become rigid in allowing me to think like this. The idea of “failing” makes my muscles tense and body morph into a shrinking violet. I know that I am not going to remember the number of As I get in school or the gems I take to boost my GPA. I am more so going to remember what I learn and the experiences I have that will become forged in my memory to help me mature as an individual. These are the things that will propel me. However, recognizing these things is not enough. I need to start believing in it. As Shields recognizes as well, it is hard for someone to do — “this doesn’t make her a bad person. It makes her a person: full of contradictions, confusions, internal dramas, and mysteries that anyone else has trouble accepting about herself” (Shields, p172).
As I currently stand at a crossroad, I now ask myself. How do I implement this tremendous amount of affluence that is opening roads for me if I have a certain narrative that pushes me in a certain way? How do I start believing in myself? Well for starters, I have to realize that my narrative is pretty fluid. I can escape it. Having to worry about future problems that are non-existent is not the best way to go about it. Life is going to happen one way or another, I will figure it out, I will have to. The plan is structured but how I react to what I have not planned is what really is going be important in my life. Instead of being fearful like I always am, I have to just start believing in the plan or dare I say the “unplanned.” Although this a tough ask from myself, I am slowing realizing that It is okay to not feel guilty about what I have been given to excel. It is okay to mess up and learn. It is okay to not do brilliant in school. It is okay to not be okay all the time. I guess that is a sign of maturity.
So that is where I am.
It is progress not perfection.
