NCAA Vows to Protect QB’s, Ignore All Other Player Injuries

Mark Emmert couldn’t care less about long term health injuries

The NCAA has pledged to renew its efforts to protect quarterbacks in college football, while completely ignoring the health of all other position players.

“Injuries to quarterbacks have besmirched this game for too long,” said NCAA Commissioner Mark Emmert. “In order to address this issue, we’ve designated a ‘safety zone’ where quarterbacks can’t be hit. The safety zone will protect the area located below the waist and above the belly button.”

When asked whether he was concerned with new research on the long-term health effects of concussions, injuries most often sustained by non-quarterback players, Emmert seemed unperturbed.

“That’s the NFL’s problem. My primary concern is the student-athlete, and as far as I know, those problems don’t occur until long after these athletes are no longer students.”

Although many cases of diseases such as Early-Onset Dementia have been discovered in former football players, Emmert maintains that the education the NCAA provides more than makes up for any long-term health consequences.

“We’re giving these student-athletes degrees from the best universities in the world — for free. You just can’t put a price on education.”

This was a satirical piece. No matter how realistic the quotes may seem, Mark Emmert did not actually say any of them.