Transgender: A Journey
by Laura Drew
We cornered the local priest at a neighborhood barbecue for help. It was a life changer for my husband, Michael, and me. The Catholic Church of our youth and the non-denominational churches where we raised our children did not have answers.
At 18, one of our children came to us with serious inclinations towards suicide, and our fear for her motivated us to understand. She said she had suffered alone with gender dysphoria for years. We didn’t even know what it meant and had no one to go to. Our community just said it was a sin.
As we fought to understand, we agonized over what we had been taught as Christians while beginning to walk with Alex through a transgender transition. She faced the difficult years of transitioning and the attempts to hide herself. She navigated bathrooms, as did we when we were with her. She just needed to use a bathroom, and often, in so many places, it did not feel safe as a young transgender woman. Locally, she was followed home, had children pulled away by their parents while standing in public, and had older men stare and then move near to hear her conversation. She was so isolated, without a supportive community.
She is beautiful, sweet and kind. She is also autistic, and navigating the social difficulties of autism while dealing with gawks, stares, and villainous ideas planted in our media about transgender people makes our hearts cry.
After a few years, we had lost 95% of our family and community. These were 15, 20, and 30-year relationships. We were sent “advice” videos by people who hadn’t seen us in years. Others prayed against the prayers we would have wanted. Some friends started out compassionate, and then they became angry as we became better at supporting Alex. We were told that if we could support our daughter, we might as well go out and murder people. I am a verbal processor, and there wasn’t anyone to process with at one of the most difficult, absent, confusing times of my life. I would scroll through my phone numbers, tears running down my face, crying out to God, isn’t there someone I can talk to that will understand? So we cried.
Among the many things we have learned over the years, we have seen stats that indicate that 83% of the LGBTQ+ community has a faith background. Why have so many been so injured by the very church that could be a place of profound welcome? This is a group that already feels different every day of their lives. They get up every morning having no idea what they may face. And they grieve, too, often alone.
We miss the community that raised their kids with us, but we are so grateful for the Episcopal community that has taken us in. It is no small thing to be loved.
How to be helpful:
In the local churches, businesses, and schools, one of the truly helpful things I have seen is to help solve the bathroom dilemma. I think the first choice would always be having single-stall gender-neutral bathrooms and clear directions to find them. If those are not available, any type of kindness and help to make bathroom use more comfortable and secure is just supporting their humanity.
I mentioned pronoun use above, and practically, it means use she/her, he/him, they/them in written communication whenever we type out our name, for instance, below our name in an email, identifying us on Zoom calls, etc. as well as understanding their pronouns as the opportunity arises. To those of us who have never done this, it seems a bit awkward, but knowing those who are transgender, it truly might mean more to them than a hug. Sometimes, we give out hugs liberally at church to everyone, but a hug does not always mean that you or your life is seen.
It took us a number of years to really become helpful to our Alex. Years when we wished she was not supporting us in our discomfort and lack of knowledge; we could have been more helpful to her. Eventually, I found my footing when I began exercising kind, intelligent curiosity. Each time anything LGBTQ+ crossed my path, including people, I took the time to understand the story. When we exercise true curiosity, there is no space to judge or to fear, and then we learn.
So, we really did corner our local priest at a neighborhood barbecue and had never met him before. We were crying a bit despite the happy event surrounding us. We had been mostly wrestling alone for a few years trying to understand. After explaining that our adult child was transgender, our question was simple but meant everything to us. “We know the Episcopal Church supports the LGBTQ+ community. How do you biblically do that?” We have discussed that a lot over the years. Our favorite part of his answer was, “Everyone deserves a place to worship God.”
LAURA DREW (pseudonym) is a parishioner at a church in the Episcopal Church in Colorado.
A Note From Michael:
We do not want our story to only end on the pain. There is a new story that is beginning. We have re-sorted our faith. We have come to understand more about physiology. We have dug deeply into God’s word and come out of it kinder, wiser, and more peaceful people. We see LGBTQ+ people, and our hearts ache because we understand that there is a story there. And then our hearts cry for others.
A Note From Alex:
Even in the best of circumstances, in a church led by an exceedingly supportive pastor, there are attitudes toward me at times. I am not just another parishioner; at times, I am a complication and feel the mistrust fostered in our society. One of the very simple things that can be done is using pronouns. When a community uses pronouns in their communication, a little waving flag says, “You are welcome here.” It acknowledges in the public sphere that not everyone is binary (all female or all male) and leaves a bit of space for someone to be different.
In the early church, a little fish identified who they were. Don’t we all want to know that we are safe to connect?
The Episcopal Church in Colorado is committed to the full welcome and inclusion of LGBTQIA siblings in our Church. All over Colorado, welcoming and affirming churches are ready to connect with you. Wherever you are on your spiritual journey, we invite you to join us! Learn more about welcome and inclusion on the diocesan website at episcopalcolorado.org/welcoming-and-inclusion.
