How can we not victim blame?
How victim blaming is done in everyday life? And how we can prevent it.
Here are the following questions that I asked. The blog is just the overview. Check out the audio podcast which is available here.
1. Situation question. Lets say my friend Pam was sexually assaulted from the person she knows. Pam and that person are friends before the assault and I as Pam friend also know the perosn who committed the assualt. Should I tell to not hangout with Pam? Or what should I do?
There are things that might help me as individual to help but might not necessarily help the victim.
If I tell Pam that, hey do not hangout with that person they are not nice. That is not helping Pam to get back control of her life which is against the fundamental of healing.
Don’t be surprised if Pam wants to hangout with Justin. Often its because they want to change the ending to make a different.
2. Should I be mad at Pam if she is hanging out with that person?
There is a purpose to her behaviour. Being angry at Pam wouldn’t help Pam at all.
You have to understand the motivation behind the purpose and that will help in Pam’s healing.
People who are helpful would be those who would understand the victim needs and not taking control from them.
3. When my friend is talking to me about, what things I should not say?
Avoid saying why questions like,
Why did you go home with him?
Why did you drink so much?
Why didn’t you stay with your friends?
Why questions might answer questions for you but they are very blaming to the victim.
4. What should I say as friend listening?
It’s really not about what you say but about what you do and you have to give the person space and confidetality. You let them know that you believe them and you’re not going to tell other people. There is a great quote
People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel. — Maya Angelou
As a friend its about being patient, being calm and letting them go at their own pace. Its very important to say,
I want to let you know that I believe you and I’m not gonna share this with anybody else.
5. Sometimes victim blaming is not even seen as a mistake. How can we realize that we are doing it.
People tend to look at the vicim behaviour because we tend to think that if the victim behaved differently, it won’t happen to us or somebody that we love and known as Adjust World Theory.
Even if the women followed all the rules that she have been told.
Don’t dress provocatively, don’t lead anybody on, don’t drink too much.
The perpator will continue to target for someone.
We need to start paying attention to the person who are comitting these crimes.
It is very helpful to hear for the vicitm to hear that,
The pattern that happened to them, happened to someone else.
That is why group therpy is so effective and important.
Thank you for reading. If you think this is helpful, please give it 👏
Previous episode was about if a friend shares that they have been raped, how to react and what to say and not to say. Check it out here,
And the previous episode was about stalking and how to deal with it.
