If a friend shares they have been raped, what not to say..
This is a question I struggle a lot with and thus I asked my friend, Betsy about it. She gave specfic tips on how to react.
Here are the following questions that I asked. The blog is just the overview. Check out the audio podcast which is available here.
1. As a friend should I give advice?
NO PROBABLY NOT
When someone experiences sexual assualt the main impact it has on them, they had a loss of control to a person’s core and feel extreme loss of control. What is helpful is to regain sense of control through small steps. One of the easiest things is, give them choice like,
Would you like something to drink? Water or tea?
Often they might say, I don’t know. By asking them to make a small choice it helps to remember them that they do have choices.
You would be amazed by how many people say, I DON’T KNOW. By giving choice you really help them.
By giving advice, it does not feel helpful to that person. What’s helpful to them is being able to move at their own pace make their own decisions and be supported.
2. When a friend says they had been raped, do I ask them about the incident or how it happened?
Probably not
They will probably not say it right out. They will say somehting like,
Something happened last night.
When your friend says, something happened last night then DONT ask question like,
Tell me what happened or how it happened
Ask questions like
Tell me little bit more about that.
It helps the victim to come out and get help if the friend is intrestesd in their well being. Questions could be like,
Are you okay? Can I do something to help?
3. Should I ask them about their feelings?
Stick to simple questions
How can I help you?
What do you need?
and make aware them of the resources that are avaiable. One place to start is 13reasonswhy.info and you can also do a Google Search about the resources.
4. Should I encourage them to see mental health counselor?
After you listened and laid out all the options and tell them counseling is one of them if they’re not ready to make a decision yet it would be unhelpful to tell them. Hey there is this counseling option and I really think you should go do that.
That is exactly not what they need at the moment. At that point they either are not ready to take any action and they are still processing what happened to them. After some time they might choose to take some action.
5. If I see my friend’s mental health going down what should I do?
Crisis is an oppurtinity.
Because they’re in the spiral they will start looking for help. People looking for help are more likely to try something new and seek help. Don’t be surprised if they just brush it off and say, I’m completely fine.
People who suffer from sexual violence once are more likely to experience it second time. To cope up with trauma, they might start having more alcohol, drugs, more risky sex or no sex.
6. Should I encourage the friend to report it to police?
That is very personal choice that is left on the person. Usually on a college campus the victim know the perpetrator and it makes it much harder to report. But also make them aware of the options, just saying like, I know this person and I can ask them what are the resources available.
Thank you for reading. If you think this is helpful, please give it 👏
Next episode is about how can we not vicitm blame, check it out here.
And the previous episode was about stalking and how to deal with it.
