Am I Broken?

I hate feeling broken.

When I was first ill, a term that got thrown around was that I’d had a “mental breakdown”. It was easier for people to swallow. It made sense and gave people something to focus on. That I could be fixed, and they didn’t need to ask any questions.

It stopped it being an illness, and it gave people the hope that I could and would be put back together, mended like a broken vase and some superglue.

I don’t like the idea that I’m a project to fix and it was the turning point in many of my relationships. I couldn’t ignore what I had been through, and I knew I needed to find a whole new toolbox to learn to cope with my illness. I wish I could call myself a hybrid of my former self, but I don’t think I’m a better person just a different one. People couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to just pick myself up and get better. I didn’t want to have a big conversation about why I had hurt myself so badly, and I didn’t think they would know how to handle it. Bit by bit my life fell apart. When I should have been having the best years of my life, I hit rock bottom. Slowly, when the people I loved realised I wasn’t a project that could be solved in a month they left me to it as a lost cause.

I’m learning to live with my quirks (that’s how I will refer to it for now) and how to manage my depression/anxiety. But I can’t step away from the feeling of being broken. I feel like I’m damaged. That no one wants to be around me and that everyone is better than me. I look at someone and instantly feel warm to them and can pick out wonderful elements of their personality; I love people. I just can’t do that for myself. I don’t know why people want to be in my company. I have a constant battle in my mind, arguing with myself. I wish I could stand up proud and say to those that left me, “Look I’ve proved you wrong!” but ultimately I don’t feel proud. I feel like I’m still a work in progress, and I guess I’m not sure if that’s ok.

Some days are harder than others, and some days are awesome. I think I’m learning to live one day at a time and have a fulfilling life. Well, that’s the aim anyway. But even with my friends around me, I can’t help but feel lonely.

Author: CrazyCatLady

Originally Published at comeasyouareblog.com