Being Fearless

I made a speech to a room full of people. Only a handful knew I used to suffer from depression, but I stood up and announced it for all to hear. Reactions were partly in awe, mostly positive, and a few non-committal. Words like brave and courageous were thrown out, but to be honest they just made me feel a bit embarrassed. I had come to terms with my illness, it didn’t scare me anymore, as one day I hope it won’t scare anyone. Others questioned if I was afraid of backlash, if my speech had put some sort of target on my back. I didn’t care. People who wanted to treat me differently, call me names or make rude comments, I could deal with. What is brave depends on the person.

I have no problem in speaking publicly, don’t mind if my fashion isn’t to everyone’s taste and will happily argue about mental health till I’m blue in the face. To the outside world, there is very little I fear. Internally is not such a simple story. Facing my own thoughts, the ones that really count is a struggle. We can’t hide from them, or try twisting them, or convince ourselves that it was just the way it was said. It’s that feeling when someone says the exact thing you were thinking, but trying not to admit to yourself, the person you like, the mistake you made or the feelings that threaten to wash over you. It’s the truth that you’ve known but not accepted, hiding it away until it passes. Hopefully.

Facts are hard to deal with when it’s not the outcome you were hoping for. When I was suffering from depression this became a real problem, admitting when the rosy periods were transitioning to blue. Warning signs brought fear not relief, as I tried to push away the negative thoughts for fear of sliding down faster, and of never coming back up. Reasons behind emotions were also hidden in a self-constructed veil separating my physical waking world and the demons inside.
No longer living in the shadow of depression, I still face fear of myself. My emotions no longer threaten an irrational response, though rational reaction to sadness isn’t always easier. I ignore them, crush them down fearing what may come. Predictably it’s not such a good idea and when the barriers are broken, waves comes crashing down. Pent-up emotion is dangerous enough but ignorance, either forced or compliant, of your own thoughts can influence life in unwanted ways.
Hiding away leads to missing out. By not confronting our emotions full on, we run the risk of not understanding them and not acting upon what we really want. While this can lead to disappointment, rejection and all those wonderful things we are so scared of, is it not worth the risk? Living in a cell which protects you from harm can also block the incredible experiences which we term life. Being fearless isn’t easy and sometimes we must define the line between it and stupidity, but the risks of hiding from emotion can be just as terrible as acting on your feelings, you might as well get something out of it all.

Author: An Honest Man

Originally published at comeasyouareblog.com