Liberation

I wrote at the beginning of 2016 about the strange contradiction people feel about the state of their lives come New Year’s Eve. People celebrated the joyous experiences of 2015 whilst yearning for real change to happen; a new life for 2016. This was a moment where people were enchanted and repelled with their lives, weighed down by reflecting on both the past, present and future. All this, whilst Instagramming every waking moment of this fateful day.

My original view of this was that we collectively needed to change our focus. Stop thinking of the new and shift to the now. ‘A now me for 2016’ not a new me. Change does not come easy for the majority of us. Inertia and routine give us comfort, control and calmness in a world that often leaves our minds weary and strained. The issue arises when such routine prevents us from tuning into the positive experiences taking place around us, or even worse when it consistently creates negative experiences for us. Checking our phones when we’re with our friends, Instagramming a sunset instead of just enjoying it… Such actions may indeed go unnoticed by the majority of us because we ourselves our not tuned into the world around us.

However, sometimes we do notice, which can at least change the regularity of these actions. Previously I would hit myself or punch the wall in fits of rage. This noticeable aspect of my autism and the fact that my friends would intervene to stop this has in part, nudged me towards dealing with my emotions in a healthier and less explosive way, returning to the present sooner.

Nobody though, can notice the thoughts driving these actions. Words can describe, but not display these feelings. My little black book perhaps is as close as it comes to a photo or painting of my mood, a moment of self-loathing captured in the scratching of a biro. This scratching has become more frequent over the last few weeks as I have lurched from one day to another struggling to get through without crying. Words like ‘crushed’, ‘vulnerable’ and ‘overwhelmed’ became a regular part of my vocabulary.

It was at this stage that I did the unthinkable. I surprised myself. I was myself to a girl and she found that attractive. For the first time all year I had reached the ‘now’ and was being the ‘now me’ that I had wanted to be. A long time coming but I finally felt it.

Liberation. Both physically and emotionally.

This liberation seeped into every sinew of my body and even into the poisonous thought processes so deeply ingrained as part of my routine. This singular experience has changed the way I interact with women, for the time being at least.

Now I notice that there’s no rush to connect with a woman and force a spark between us. Such interactions are seen as just that, rather than a ticking clock whereby I have at most five minutes before I am viewed platonically. Yes I still get anxious when I walk past gyms but such moments of physical insecurity are gradually turning into warm encouragement.

‘Es el primero paso y se quedan muchos pasos para andar.’ Bit of spanish for you guys meaning that I acknowledge that I am a work in progress, that my autism and anxiety still require attention, that I still need to be more mindful etc.

However I take on these things knowing full well that I have seen someone I like recently, and for a change it’s my own reflection.

Author: Thefarmerandhisgun

Originally published at comeasyouareblog.com.

Getting Young People Talking