Truly Wonderful
It would be interesting to know how many people think their lives are truly wonderful. Nowadays, we spend so much time searching for something better that we don’t appreciate the good things we already have. However, whilst of course, things can get better, things can also get a hell of a lot worse. Last summer, was the happiest I can recall being throughout my lifetime. For the first time in my life, someone loved me, and I loved them and my time was filled with fun events and holidays that I constantly had to look forward to. Whilst, a lot of the time, in day-to-day life, things were very difficult for me, having something, or someone even, that outweighed the bad, meant more than I ever realised. So, when I left for University in September last year, I was not ok with the thought of leaving my ‘happy’ life and the people I loved behind, to meet new people and have new experiences with people I was simply uninterested to meet. And that sounds ignorant. But what I mean is, I didn’t understand why I needed anything more. I had everything I thought I needed, and for just 3 months it was perfect, until the day I left for University. I knew that the people I loved were never going to disappear, just because I was leaving, but it is incredibly hard to enjoy being alone, or even being with others, when you know of a comfort that is only felt with the people you’ve loved. This is my greatest problem. I am so grateful for the people I do have, that I don’t allow myself to make those kind of relationships with new people.
The first week of university felt like one of the toughest times of my life, yet ironically, when I look back with hindsight, it was probably my best week of the whole year. I was the busiest I have been at uni and this helped because I wasn’t able to constantly think about what I didn’t have with me, and it was the time when I met a good group of people that have fully accepted me, yet I still do not allow myself to fully connect with. As the weeks went on, and my boyfriend later started university, I couldn’t settle. He was much luckier and had a more communal set up which allowed him to meet people a lot more easily than I could which consequently (and understandably) meant he wasn’t always there when I needed him. The hardest part about this is needing someone you love but knowing you shouldn’t. I wanted to be dependent on someone I was so close to, to make me feel the comfort I was so desperately missing. But this in turn, ended up pushing him further and further away. We are still together now, and I love him with all my heart, but as the year went on, and I needed him more, he wanted me less and now I live in the constant confusion of what he is even doing in a relationship with me. He doesn’t treat me lovingly anymore, I know that, I truly do, but the problem with this difficult year is that it has made me so weak that the few good times we do have together, is all I hold onto, because it is one of the last ways I can escape this constant feeling of loneliness.
Since starting uni in September 2014, I have become incredibly close with one girl, which took a while but she’s a fabulous person and I wouldn’t still be at the university if it wasn’t for her. However, the difficulty with this relationship is that the people she’s friends with are not the people I would like to be friends with, and the people I am living with next year are not the people she would like. I have been lucky all my life to be surrounded by a big-ish group of close friends and this is what I am missing right now. People that I can be myself around, have fun with, and forget about the things I’m missing when I’m not home, or with my boyfriend, or my oldest friends. I completely respect the power of friendship, and the care and compassion you feel simply from someone who wants to speak to you. But, another reason I have lost out on an opportunity of having a big friendship group is because when I’m feeling so low, I don’t and can’t seem to enjoy myself with anyone because I don’t think about the present, I think about the great things I already have in my life.
So, to kind of round things off, uni has been a huge cause to my anxiety and depression, my halls are totally awful, too far away from anything and shut off from the campus life, I miss the people that I feel comfortable with, and the pain I have felt from all of this has gradually gotten worse over the past year. Perhaps though, it wasn’t university, rather as a person I was just not ready. When I look back, I genuinely don’t have any regrets though, I did try hard to meet people, but when there is such a vast mix of types of people, its incredibly hard to meet someone you can totally relate to. Because of this, no, I don’t think my life is truly wonderful. In fact, I think its incredibly difficult. The person I love is slowly drifting from me, my family life is very complicated, I have no new friends and I spend my life thinking how things could be different. I want to get to a place where I can feel comfortable without relying on people or things to make me feel that way. I want to be busy, and happy, but I want to be those things because I’ve made myself that way. I want to do it. I want to be calm. And I’m trying.
Author: E L L E
Originally published at comeasyouareblog.com
