We’re Only Human
So, I think we can all agree we’ve all done things in life we regret. Made decisions involving relationships, friendships, family, career choices even, that today make you wonder “What the hell was I thinking?!” I am definitely one of these people. I have made some horrible decisions.
My first regret began a few years into secondary school. Being a girl with a constant fear of change I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of friends I made in my first few years at a new school. By year 9 I had a really close group of girlfriends and I was really happy. But then something changed, a friend of mine (lets call her M for the sake of anonymity) who moved with me to secondary school suddenly became part of my life again. We had drifted a part for a couple of years but somehow she floated back into my life and we became best friends again — closer than ever. Honestly, I have absolutely no idea how or why M crept back into my life but this event set off a series of some of my worst decisions to date which led to this being the most destructive and toxic relationship I have ever had.
In the preceding months I began to drift from my old group of friends — not intentionally — it just kind of happened. I got caught up in a parade of parties, make up and tight dresses and after a year we had formed what I can only describe as a clique and essentially the rest of our year loathed us. Perhaps I’m exaggerating, it was not as dramatic as the Regina George ‘plastics’ kind of clique, I mean we were all liked individually but we were absolutely awful when we were together. Uninviting, intimidating, and for lack of a better word — bitchy. M was obsessed with boys and sex which began to rub off on the rest of the group. I lost so much weight it was scary, in fact all the girls went on manic diets in desperation to achieve the perfect thigh gap or flattest stomach. Actually putting the words to paper is making me realise how absurd it all was.
It wasn’t until I was pressured so heavily into doing something with a boy that I began to notice how much I disliked M and everything she stood for. She had given my number to a boy who was in the year above us at another school, she didn’t know him well but she knew his friends and I thought he was attractive so I went along with it. After a couple of weeks of flirty texting we agreed to meet at a party one of M’s friends was having.
At the party he seemed nice, he was complimentary and chatty but about half an hour in he asked me to go upstairs with him to “chat”. So here comes biggest regret number 2. I remember asking M for her advice and saying I didn’t really want to do anything, after all it would be my first time ever doing anything more than kissing someone. I was told to “man up” and that “I might not get another chance”. So after a lot of egging on, I went upstairs. Of course he didn’t want to chat. I’m only realising now as I write this that he never actually asked me if I was ok with what he was doing, or if I wanted to do it. We didn’t have sex because I said no but that wasn’t without a lot of protestation on his part and a lot of pushing and pulling away on mine. Idiotically I felt embarrassed to say no, so I agreed to compromise. I just did what I was told because I didn’t want him or anyone else to think I was a child. To be honest I didn’t really know what I wanted but for some reason I was led to believe that this experience was some sort of right of passage.
After that night I went home and I cried. I didn’t tell anyone that he hurt me nor did I tell them that I felt forced. My coping mechanism was to brag. I blabbed all about my first hot and steamy sexual experience with a “sexy older boy” and people loved it. In truth the memory of that night makes me shake my head so hard in hope that it will fall out my head.
A few months later I fell in love with my best friend (who is still at my side to this day) and suddenly everything just fell into place. He showed me how to love myself and taught me that if I learn to respect my own body a healthy mind will come. I cut all cords to M and began to rekindle friendships, the healthy friendships I had once had. Of course she didn’t go without a fight, but the struggle was worth it. My first good decision was a long time coming but its still the best one I have ever made.
Social pressure is one of our biggest struggles we have to deal with today with anorexia having the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder in adolescence. Women in particular are force fed endless images and articles about how to lose weight, how to look attractive, how to change yourself to somehow appear more desirable to others around you. I know now how ridiculous this is. Nobody can tell you how to be you, only you can tell yourself that. Im still learning to love myself completely, its been an up hill climb and some days are better than others but I’m getting there. I try to tell myself everyday that even though the memories of my past make me cringe uncontrollably, every mistake I have made has only helped me become the strong minded person I am today. Mistakes are what make us human and what help us grow. Individuality is what makes us human. We are all creative, we are all beautiful so, don’t just go with the flow. Make the flow.
Author: Strider
Originally published at comeasyouareblog.com
