chantico
This is a poem I wrote many years ago, when Starbucks still served its drinking chocolate. It was called chanitco. It’s no longer on the menu. I don’t think it’s allowed.
have you ever been to starbucks
no, seriously
have you ever been to starbucks
it sounds like something out of moby dick, right?
but they sell coffee
premium coffee
of course, they don’t just sell coffee
they sell tea, too
and lattes, frappes
espressos cappuccinos frappaccinos
and something called
chantico
i was at work one day
near the watercooler
when someone said,
‘have you had that new hot chocolate from starbucks’
‘no,’ i said
‘it’s really good,’ they said
‘it’s just hot chocolate, right?’
‘no,’ they said ‘it’s like drinking a hot fudge brownie’
‘hmmm,’ i said
a few days later i found myself at starbucks
but the line was too long
so i went to the one
around the corner
i looked up at the menu board
i saw where it said hot chocolate
it seemed so pedestrian, could that be it?
but then
on the bottom
in big letters
fancy letters
it said
chantico drinking chocolate
drinking chocolate?
that must be it
chantico
once when i was little i read in a book the word ‘orry’
i knew what it meant so one day i said to my parents,
‘my, things have certainly gone orry’
my parents looked at me
‘do you mean awry?’
i asked for a chantico
(like a texaco in mexico)
the server said, ‘do you mean chan-tee-co?’
‘um, yes,’ i said.
i went to the area where they make the drinks
i watched the barista glub glub out a thick brown fluid
into a steaming pot
where it hissed and spit
until he poured it into a six ounce cup with a brown lid
one size only
no small medium large venti grande magna cum laude
six ounces is all you get
six ounces for three bucks
hot brown gold
i walk outside and lift it to my mouth
i am giddy with anticipation
it passes by my lips
and touches by tongue
burning
it tastes like burning
fuck it’s hot
moses hot
thick and molten
but oh sweet lord have mercy
it is delicious,
extraordinary
my mouth is coated in some sort of
incan chocolate magic
that spirals and swishes and twists and teases
and eventually has hot jungle sex with my tongue
it’s sooo awesome
it IS like drinking a hot fudge brownie
it is so good that i remove the brown lid
and lick the air out of the cup
and when i am finished
really finished
i feel dirty
ashamed
the next day
i feel it coming on
i am jonsing for it
luckily,
there’s a starbucks near where i work
when i get to the register i ask for a chan-tee-co
but i whisper it because
it’s like i’m ordering porn
batter dipped deep fried porn
it’s naughty
wrong
bad
a woman watches the barista glub glub out the thick brown fluid
into the steaming pot
and says to her friend,
‘well, someone must like chocolate’
and then she looks over at me
and without saying it
i know she knows it’s mine
‘the fat one,’ she thinks, ‘it must be his. he probably sits at home
in his underwear all day long eating porn fritters’
i take my chan-tee-co outside
away from the head shakers
the finger waggers
the tongue cluckers
chan-tee-co
i touch my tongue to the tips of my teeth two times
and then pucker for a kiss
chan-tee-co
i am enchan-tee-co with my chan-tee-co
yes, my chocolate goddess
yes, my sweet-
whoa
what am i doing
i’m carrying on writing prose
about a pre-mixed hot chocolate drink from starbucks
this is a six ounce 3000 calorie liquefied chocolate fever dream
that i do not need
i need this as much as i need a double fried porn taco
that said, i suck in the final drop, remove the lid
and lick the air out of the insides one last time
i’m done
i’m done
i’m done
i throw away the six ounce cup with its brown lid
and i vow to smother lust and desire
i will lead a good clean life
goodbye sweet sweet chocolate monkey,
hello cold turkey
