I’d Love to Talk About Your Craft Beer

A (barely) imagined conversation.

Sure, I’d love to talk about your craft beer. That’s why I came out tonight with my friends. So you could get all worked up telling me about your new stainless steel brew pots.

Can you tell me about the ingredients in that beer you’re drinking? Oh, they’re organic. I never would have guessed. And peach blossoms to celebrate the brewer’s southern heritage. How refreshing and historical.

And they harvest the seaweed themselves? Right out of the ocean?

Have you ever tried seaweed? No?

It’s pretty disgusting.

No, of course I don’t mind if you Instagram the label while we talk.

Sample it? I thought you’d never ask.

No, I don’t need a snifter. You can just pour it in the glass my water was in. Sir … SIR! Are you okay? Do you need a respirator? Was it something I said?

What’s that you said about a good head? Shouldn’t you keep your voice down? There are kids sitting over there.

So it’s okay, is it? Because it looks like you just dipped my glass in the river. But you’re saying it’s just unfiltered? Those chunks are normal?

Is that a fish?

What’s that? They only brew 100 bottles a year? However did you manage to get 30 of them? Oh, you camped out at the brewery. Is that why it costs $12 a bottle?

I just keep getting happier that I’m talking to you.

So can I taste it yet? You’re just gonna watch me while I do? I gotta tell you it makes me a little nervous. Like maybe you’re taking this more seriously than you should.

WHOA! I think something’s wrong with your beer! Oh … it’s not bitter, just hoppy you say? Three times the regular amount? Huh. So you can’t have too many hops? Ever?

Yes please go on, nobody’s ever told me about hops before. And the fact that I can’t drink more than a drop at a time without my face contorting like a boa constrictor is a good thing?

I’m sorry. I was talking to this interesting man here about the craft beer he purchased. But did I hear you say you actually brew your own?

It’s an even smaller batch?

And what’s that? The bottles are throw aways you’ve scavenged? So the Bud Light label is covering up your orange peel seasonal? How delightfully subversive!

Sure. I’d love to see your Saison! But shouldn’t we be in private for that?