Local Library Would Like to Remind Everyone Its Shit Is Free

KANSAS CITY, MO – The Kansas City Public Library released a YouTube video statement reminding everyone that all of its services are completely free. “All our shit, totally free,” said David Kemper, board president of the local library since 2001. “No fooling. If you want a book—and we've got a shit ton—just swing on by and check one out. Hell, check out 10. All you need is a library card.” Mr. Kemper went on to say that he just doesn't understand why anyone would pay Amazon or Barnes & Noble for books that they can “literally get free of fucking charge” at Kansas City’s beautiful library. “And books aren't even the fucking half of it,” exclaimed Mr. Kemper as he started banging his desk with his fists. “Shit, we have a whole fuck load of movies and all the newspapers and magazines you could fucking ask for. And you’re paying for Wi-Fi at your place? Well then you’re a fucking moron because we got all kinds of Wi-Fi up in this shit. All for motherfucking free!” At press time, Mr. Kemper could be seen hanging out by a local Redbox reminding would-be customers that they can save their $1.29 because they better believe that “the KCPL has that shit.”