NERF Weapons Training Manual

Because it’s a scary world out there…

Upon starting my current job, as part of the obligatory compendium of on-boarding detritus — including, in this case an agency-owned bicycle liability waiver, which I thought noteworthy if not relevant — I was given an employee handbook. While skimming the first few pages, before throwing it into the back of a desk drawer containing old tax books and a copy of “Dot Net Development for Dummies”, I noticed in the table of contents a curious section, section 16. It was something I’d never seen in any of the copious employee handbooks I’d skimmed in like fashion then relegated to the depths of a drawer full of apartment-fire fodder, so it stuck out. I wasn’t sure quite what to make of it, and felt compelled to share it. Here it is, in its entirety.

Section 16 — Weapons Training.

Amended January 31, 2014, in accordance with court ruling in “Bill Johnson family vs. Agency.”

16-1. Introduction

This agency and its parties of allegiance have always made hostile takeover of profitable accounts and talented human resources mission 1. Direct retaliation to these practices is to be anticipated; lately however there has been a tremendous increase in frequency and severity of such insurgence. In light of these events, the collective leadership of this agency feels left with no choice, but to implement aggressive defense solutions. Under guidance from the most highly skilled and knowledgeable weapons experts in the Northern Hemisphere, we’ve assembled an arsenal of NERF weapons and ammunition capable of generating more destruction than any life form could endure. To be clear, this carefully curated stockpile is for defense purposes only. But if the appropriate time comes to resort to these measures, we encourage you to act swiftly, and with lethal ferocity.

16-2. Threat Levels

Read them. Know them. Live Them.

Gin

Threat level is low. Remain calm, but alert.

Mimosa

Mildly elevated threat level. Ensure that stations are being manned and conference rooms are clear of suspicious packages. Secure food rations and boxed wine.

Whisky

Moderate threat level. Post armed sentinels at all exits and large windows.

Margarita

Threat level is high. Arm yourself appropriately (see section 16.3 — Weapons Storage Bunker). Make sure all pets and web developers are inside the building. Lockdown exits and confiscate key fobs from freelancers.

Merlot

Threat level: Apocalypse. This is the moment you have been trained for. Pile all available office furniture against windows and doors. Gather as much extreme weaponry and ammunition as you can carry. Convene in the kitchen to protect the keep, and consume all rations. Be prepared to take any means necessary to avoid letting food, boxed wine, or executives fall into enemy hands.

Section 16-3. Weapons Storage Bunker

Codename: LAWROOM

Formerly the supply cabinet nearest the copier, with extra notepads and the good pens everybody likes, LAWROOM is now home to our entire stock of weaponry. It is also equipped with a state of the art Aptitude Identification System. When time is of the essence, AIS will help guide you to the correct weaponry and ammunition. Each weapons bin is labeled with a self-identification statement. Upon reading all statements, choose the one that best describes you personally; open the bin to find your appropriate weapon. These statements are included below; take a moment now and consider which bin would suit you, if the moment were upon us. For the good of yourself and others, please be frank in your consideration.

Bin 1 — Elton John

You spent your morning lint-rolling the drapes. You then fired off a cheeky IM to your desk-neighbor about the alarming amount of ice cream you ate during last night’s episode of Girls.

Bin 2 — Toby Maguire

You don’t mind a crisp slap in the face, as long as it’s open-hand. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose as long as everyone has a nice time. After a hard days work, there’s nothing quite as soothing as a warm bubble bath.

Bin 3 — Joseph Gordon-Levitt

You look just a bit tougher than you are. You drink seaweed-protein smoothies after 3 hours in the gym. Guys want to be you, but won’t admit it. You’d never wear cotton that wasn’t organic, but you’d still look damn good if you did.

Bin 4 — Jillian Michaels

You fear nothing. You freshen up using industrial-grade bleach. Servings of Wild Turkey are measured in liters. You wear a bathrobe of living wolves. You once ate driftwood and shit out a chess set.

Once you’ve selected your weapon, the rest is up to you. Rely on your training, keep a cool head, and remember — we’re the good guys out there.

Section 17 — Work From Home Policy…