Teenage Girl Literally Dies

MINNETONKA, MN — In a tragic turn of events during a Labor Day outing yesterday, a teenage girl literally died. “We appreciate all the love and support we have received at this difficult time,” said Michael Pitman who was told that daughter Kelly Pitman actually died from drowning in Lake Minnetonka after falling off a friend’s pontoon boat. Sources confirmed that Kelly hit her head on the side of the boat and wasn’t wearing a life preserver despite the fact that she can’t even swim. According to reports of the account, friend Michelle Deming was unable to deal that Kelly was “seriously drowning right now” but couldn’t do anything to save Kelly who just could not breathe. By the time paramedics arrived to pull her from the water, Kelly was 100% done. “She was a special girl and had a bright future ahead of her, but unfortunately she just can’t anymore.” In related news, Jonathan Garver, the president of the University of Minnesota’s Sigma Pi fraternity, is sick.