The 8 Essential Effects Pedals That Bands Actually Need
What if guitar pedals could fix everything that sucks about being a musician?
There is an effects pedal for just about everything, but they don’t fix the real problems affecting musicians. That’s why I’ve launched a new pedal company focused on making products that will actually improve every musician’s life.
Insta-DJ Stomp
One tap on this little baby will transform your band’s instruments into pre-programmed laptops. You’ll be amazed at how quickly shows in Kansas for twelve people will become sold-out rave festivals on the coast. This amazing product replaces the dozen cross-armed hipsters who are harshly judging your set, with 20,000 half-naked drug fiends who absolutely love every second of your set. Insta-DJ Stomp is a must for any musician who wants to eat food consistently.
Sound Guy Mood-er-ator
The only thing that sucks worse than being in a shitty band that nobody cares about, is mixing those bands on a nightly basis. It’s enough to make anyone grumpy. As a touring band, you need a gadget that has the power to turn your sound guy into a personable, timely and enjoyable human being. Our product comes with three individual controls: a skills boost so you can be sure you get a good mix, a friendliness compressor to make you feel more welcome, and an apathy reducer which ensures your sound guy cares about his job. Sound Guy Mood-er-ator is perfect for any touring act or local act.
Song-er-izer
In general, audiences want to hear songs. You know — with hooks, choruses, verses and a general sense of structure and shit. Somewhere along your path to becoming shred king of the underground scene you didn’t take the time to learn how to write a song. Worry no more! The Song-er-izer re-structures your sixty minute set of 7/8-time solo marathons into listenable pieces of songwriting. The Pro version comes with an added sense of catchiness and melody for your compositions. The Song-er-izer is recommended for any musician who wants a decent shot at playing shows at a venue that isn’t also a laundromat.
Style Compressor
Most of your band looks like they came ready to deliver a musical performance on a stage, but you still have one guy who wore his landscaping uniform to the gig — bummer. The style compressor smooths out the harsh, unkempt differences between your group’s outfits and squashes out any lagging Wal-Mart polo shirts or cargo shorts. Our latest model comes with improved detection and elimination of sandals and No Fear hats. The result is a musical group with a singular look matching their musical performance. Style Compressor may have varying results in extreme cases of age or irrelevance.
Toolbag EQ
This is a new and experimental piece of equipment. We got the idea for the Toolbag EQ after seeing a band with an entirely black and green stage theme do a song called black and green. The Toolbag EQ removes cheesy gimmicks from live performances. No more forced sing-alongs or members wearing their own band’s t-shirt on stage. Although it’s still in beta mode, the Toolbag EQ helps your audiences pay more attention to how horrible your music is, rather than how annoying you are.
Shots-2-Stage Booster
Sometimes you need a little extra giddy up to make it through your two-hour set at the Wednesday night book club meeting. The Shots-2-Stage Booster will instantly supply you and your group with a round of the dirtiest, cheapest whisky imaginable. The soon-to-be-released Shots-2-Stage Booster Plus also prevents club owners from docking the stage booze from your payout.
Significant Other Filter
So your girlfriend/boyfriend insists on showing up drunk to your shows and getting into arguments with the club manager? We have you covered. The Significant Other Filter is specifically designed to reduce the annoying frequencies emitted by drunk significant others. There is also an amazing aggressiveness control which is perfect for de-escalating nonsense arguments before they grow into an infinite feedback loop. Using a Significant Other Filter means no more high-strung van rides home!
Time Shift Phaser
Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone would show up to sound check when they were told to be there? Every band contains a minimum of one member who is an irresponsible, untimely, overgrown baby-child. That’s why we invented the Time Shift Phaser which works by literally molding the fabric of space-time, shifting the building blocks of our meaningless existence, and opening a wormhole from future to present. It’s the only way to get your guitarist to stop making bullshit excuses and show up to load-in on time. The Time Shift Phaser is recommend for every band ever.
A very special thanks goes out to Abby McMillen over at ASM Illustration for creating these awesome pedal drawings you see above. Go see her work here.
