Where cool happens
#1: The coolest bars in Melbourne right now
Only New York, London and Reykjavik can rival Melbourne’s 1:4 ratio of hot bars to hot people. Here are the latest venues grinding the very essence of being seriously cool down into a fine powder and banjacking it straight into your brainstream.
Outlook
202 Church St
Melbourne’s vogueist alco-seekers inhabit Outlook like drunken little ants on a seriously cool anthill. Grasping the theme of Melbourne’s famously unpredictable weather, owner Jay-Jay J. Jackson has installed turbines in the walls and rain machines in the ceiling. Take three sets of clothes to change into through the night as Jay-Jay J. flips his pleasurekrank from ‘Pleasant’ through ‘Comment Worthy’ to the cheek-wobbling ‘Mega Fucking Ha Ha’.
Oosch Oosch Oosch
181 Swan St
Gunter Hofferbitcher’s newest drinkden is dedicated to the most seriously cool activity of all — street art. The bartags, none of whom are allowed to know each other’s names, spraycan vodka directly into your gaping little mouth while the fourteen DJs, one in every toilet stall, play a bumping soundtrack of the latest tracks from west Offenbach. Gunter, who rocketed to 83rd in (melbourne) magazine’s recent People to Bow to in the Street During the Second Week of Winter 2014 list, calls the sound ‘electro griddle’.
Land of the Giants
87 Lt Collins Street
On the site of the old Dunk sportsbar, head-honch Pez Pepper nods to previous owners, ex-NBA Allstars Stacey McTracy and Wally Scissorback, in creating a parallel schizorama where you forget everything you think you’ve never known about anything ever. Absolutely all kinds of architects flock here to suckle at the teat of seriously cool, seemingly unaware Pez creates his illusion by having girls with very small hands serve drinks in oversized glasses.
Clitoris
Location Withheld
The latest portal on Melbourne’s throbbing afterhours scene is a fully to-scale replica of proprietor Fiona Shroda’s genitalia. If entering through the inner-thigh cloakdrobe and paypod isn’t seriously cool enough for you, just try easing back with a lungful of Fiona’s fully organic sex water deep in the lablounge. Fiona bats back claims her gladpad is harder than ever to get into, arguing unaccompanied men are welcome if they can find it.
Playground
141 Chapel Street
The absolute spasm of Melbourne’s late night flesh life, ‘ground (as the hipstuds and trendophiles have tagged it) is so seriously cool that absolutely no one at all was allowed to go there during the recent fashion week. Set in what was once an actual children’s playground, it’s been tastefully renovated and seems barely touched since its original use way back in the nineties. The first Australian girl to wear Japanese ear socks was spotted here in February.
NB — photo taken from this article.
