With Fireworks on the 3rd of July, the Terrorists Have Won
That 6-year old with a sparkler is a mortal threat to your freedom
My fellow Americans I write to you today about an evil that is sweeping our land. A plot by the liberal media to undermine the sanctity of one of this great nation’s core patriotic observances. I am of course talking about fireworks — on the 3rd of July.
My grandfather did not storm the beaches of Normandy, my father did not suffer the swamps of Vietnam, and I did not break the bonds of my conservative Midwestern liberal arts college to be dictated to by effete Washington bureaucrats.
So I say to the atheists and the Democrats and the socialists in New York City and Hollywood, who would have my daughter believe that it’s okay to watch fireworks on July 3rd, or 10th or the 28th of June, #NOBAMA!
“What’s that noise?” my daughter will ask. “Are those fireworks? Can we go outside and watch them?”
I’ll look in her young, tear-filled eyes and say “That’s not the sound of fireworks dear. That’s the sound of socialism. That’s the sound of relativism. That’s the sound of that little 6-year old communist down the street who’s shooting off her fireworks a day early.”
“Oh. You mean Sally?” she’ll say. “She’s nice. She lets me play in her tree house. But why does Sally hate freedom Daddy?”
“She’d have us believe everyone can choose their own truth,” I’ll reply. “That a bald eagle isn’t really bald. That Thomas Jefferson was a deist. That fireworks were invented in China and not conjured by Benjamin Franklin to terrify the British at Bunker Hill!
“No my little patriot, we will celebrate our independence on the day George Washington, Alexander Hamilton and the good Lord in heaven declared it!”
And on the 4th of July she and I will stand in the park, like lonely patriots, waiting for fireworks that won’t come. The smell of spent gunpowder in the air an acrid reminder of just how far our country has fallen since our founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence — ON THE 4TH OF JULY!
This column is meant as a small bit of social satire. I respect the President. I respect a variety of religious beliefs. And I have nothing but affection for the 6-year old Communist down the street. My family and I even enjoyed the fireworks last night, on July 3rd. I suppose some would say that makes me a socialist.
