IFTTT for the future

7 recipes we desperately need in 2014

Many people in the tech community rely on a canny service called IFTTT. Short for If This, Then That, the service automates conditional statements in our day-to-day lives. For example, if I go the the gym and check in on Foursquare via smartphone, then IFTTT records a workout on my Jawbone Up. These conditional statement “recipes”, a word I am familiar with only from binge-watching Breaking Bad, can be created and shared with others.

The looming New Year got me thinking, though. What great IFTTT recipes will we need in 2014? Everyone claims it’s the year of the internet of things and wearable tech, so shouldn’t we be automating our Glorious Future™ now? These seven recipe ideas would really put the internet to work for me:

1. If I reach for a slice of pound cake, then send a significant shock through my Jawbone Up. If I consume the slice and reach for a second, go ahead and sever a nerve in my wrist.
2. If an internet controversy involving an egregious act and a pitchforked mob erupts on Twitter, then block all mentions of said event for a 48-hour waiting period. At its conclusion, send me links to blog posts by someone smart who reads The Wall Street Journal and someone smart who reads The American Prospect. Then, just go ahead and tweet both for me with “It’s clearly a complex issue: <links>.”
3. If my son calls from college, then have Siri pick up and ask, “How much?” and “Which account would you like it sent to?” Then have her shout “Get a job!” and text him nope gifs constantly for a period of no less than one hour.
4. If a LinkedIn invitation is received, then check employment history and conference attendance for possible career intersection points. If no matches are found, and there is any possibility, however remote, that we went to a dance together in junior high, then decline automatically — but not before sending back an excessively flattering profile shot, VSCO Cam-ed within an inch of its life.
5. If I agree to give a talk in October 2014, then activate Siri, with Fran Drescher’s voice at maximum volume, to read my calendar aloud with commentary. “I know October is still 10 months away, but do you see everything else that week? And, just sayin’: it’s not a great season to be in Wasilla.” If I start to accept, then have her replay that video of me trying to get out of bed at 4am for the Wasilla flight last time, complete with the bleary “Never, again” speech I gave to the bathroom mirror.
6. If I finish a book, then scan the entire text for mentions of a zombie apocalypse. If none are found, then add to goodreads with an appropriately high-minded review. If there are zombies, then tell goodreads I read The Remembrance of Things Past. Again. En français.
7. If audio sensors detect anyone saying “OK, Glass!” more than once ostentatiously in a public venue, then Snapchat that video immediately to all contacts. Be sure to add one of several pre-written, mean-spirited captions—and throw in a childish doodle for good measure.

I have always depended on the ingenuity of strangers, and the internet makes this chronic dependency easier than ever. Thanks to all you IFTTT recipe cooks out there, and best wishes for a happy and safely automated New Year — may your health insurance data analytics team never encounter your bar tab API.