The Mighty Ducks taught me that if you get caught drinking and driving, you will have to coach a shitty youth hockey team. Also, the Flying V, regardless of the sport, will always fuck shit up.
Top Gun taught me that even the most badass military pilots sometimes just want to take their shirts off and have a semi-erotic volleyball sesh with their guy friends.
Mrs. Doubtfire taught me that a man dressing up as a woman will definitely help him get custody of his kids… Also to never trust housekeepers.
My Girl taught me that BEEs FUCKING KILL YOU.
Angels in The Outfield taught me that orphans could see angels, but only at baseball games.
Heavyweights taught me that all I had to do to go to a fun summer camp was gain a bunch of weight.
Honey I Shrunk The Kids taught me that Rick Moranis was a scientific genius.
The Little Giants taught me that Rick Moranis was a scientific, football genius!
Homeward Bound taught me that dogs can talk and cats are not to be trusted. Also, if your pets ever disappear, they aren’t dead and everything will be ok because they are probably trying to find you.
Jumanji taught me not to fuck around with board games.
Space Jam taught me that Michael Jordan probably drops acid and the result? Sing it R. Kelly! I BELIEVE I CAN FLY! I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKY!
Twister taught me that pretty much any divorce is totally reversible with a few good tornados. Which is awesome because tornados pretty much happen everywhere and all the time.
Independence Day taught me that any president worth his salt can fly a plane and fend off an alien invasion.
The Sixth Sense taught me that if I get cold, Bruce Willis is probably somewhere lurking (is that what that movie was about?).
3 Ninjas taught me that me and my brother (plus a friend) could basically take down an entire Japanese criminal syndicate, as long as we had nicknames and karate outfits.
Edward Scissorhands taught me that being an emo kid is even harder when you have knives on your hands. Side note, looking back, do you think Edward Scissorhands was just the pussy version of Wolverine.
Jurassic Park taught me that mosquitos can basically make dinosaurs. But, catching mosquitos and putting them in your sister’s EZ-Bake oven does not make dinosaurs.
