BREAKING: Grandmothers deemed leading cause of padded toilet seats

Decades of research revealed today that 99% of all padded toilet seats found in the United States are a direct result of grandmothers. In a recent study performed by the Toilet Seat Association (TSA), only 1% of the nation’s padded seats are non-grandmotherborne, those resulting instead from rogue Cracker Barrel facilities managers and old souls.

In a statement on behalf of the Friends of Bottoms Institute (FBI), FBI Director Grantham Connolly said, “We were aware that there was a heavy correlation between grandmas and the seats, but none of us could’ve predicted that the numbers would come out looking like this.” Connolly also stated that they plan to work closely with anti-pad leaders to find a nonviolent solution to the epidemic.

At press time, the New Rigid Assembly (NRA), the nation’s most vocal group of anti-padders, were seen picketing outside grandmother headquarters, the Hobby Lobby in Lincoln, Nebraska. Signs included phrases like “Nah, Nana” and “Werther’s Aren’t Worth It”.

The grandmothers have yet to comment on the revelation, but did leave a 2-minute voicemail urging us all to stay warm.

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