Adventures in Juice Cleansing
Or How Do I Talk About My Juice Cleanse In A Way That Makes You Want To Read About It?

A long time ago I had a nightmare experience with a cleanse. My improv group and I had just relocated after a natural disaster, we were extremely codependent, and someone suggested that we detox with the “Master Cleanse”. The smokers in the group kept smoking and someone convinced themselves (and me) that “any juice is probably fine, right?” so after 50 something hours of keeping it extremely strict we caved and drank some orange juice. Everyone’s stomachs hurt, nobody was happy, people started hating each other and themselves, and we decided to go get sushi.
We were probably worse off for doing what we did. Our bodies were pissed. Life was bad. Times were dark. Just writing about it is nauseating. A couple of years later the group broke up due to a handful of personal and creative conflicts but I bet the ball got rolling the day we agreed to do the Master Cleanse.
Recently, I decided to do a Juice Cleanse for real. Mostly because I’m a sucker for good graphic design and hitting the metaphorical reset button. The graphic design was the work of JuiceLand, an Austin, Tx-based juice and smoothie bar I would do anything for. I would walk 20 minutes in 100 degree heat for a Wondershowzen (check), I would take a $10 Lyft to grab an $10 Soul Boulder, essentially making it a $20 Soul Boulder (check). I would do anything for JuiceLand, I would follow them anywhere.

What sold me on the JuiceLand juice cleanse, presented in bullet points
- The different colors of the juices (so your brain isn’t on repeat)
- The way the juice tasted (honestly didn’t think I needed to type this one out but a lot of people think juice ain’t that good and I’m here to tell you your taste buds are lying to you and maybe you need to get new buds, don’t shoot the messenger)
- The way it actually, for real, not lying, filled me up (for real, not lying)
- How it seemed like anyone from the staff was on call for my needs which is crazy when you think about it because they have locations in Houston, Dallas, Brooklyn, and about 150 (20) in Austin. (For real, they will answer your dumb questions on email)
It’s a tad bit pricey but you know, so is your bad habit that makes your insides sad. Give that bod a break and drop some cash on a cleanse. I’m sure there’s a capable place wherever you are but if you’re somewhere there’s a JuiceLand and you don’t call them, you and I are going to have serious problems. Those problems presented in bullet points
- My feelings are going to be extremely hurt (why did you do this to me)
- I think you’re doing this just to spite me (why would you hurt yourself just to hurt me, I’m a really nice guy)
- We should talk this out because you’re being weird (it’s true)
- Maybe you have worse issues than needing to rid your body of toxins because I think it’s extremely rude that you read this entire post, decided to do a juice cleanse, and then deliberately disobeyed me.
Over the course of my 5 day cleanse life didn’t stop. There was no pulling over on the highway of life and reclining the seat back. I stayed 75 miles per hour when the speed limit was 70, fueled by juice. I know how much you want me to end the driving/juice cleanse metaphor (even though it’s got many miles left) and I’m going to grant your wish. Now you grant me mine — don’t be a grump, give yourself the gift of a cleanse.
