Abraham Lincoln

Today, on a Very Special Edition of Commander-in-Cheese, we honor the man who started it all: Great Emancipator, Rail Splitter, Ancient One, our 16th President, Abraham Lincoln.

Throwback to the 2015 Presidents’ Day Lincoln Grilled Cheese that inspired this blog. You’re welcome, America.

As a gangly young man in rural Illinois, Lincoln was a wrestling powerhouse, with a 299–1(ish) record. Damn, Lincoln!

Pay tribute to the honorary Wrestling Hall of Fame member by throwing down in your kitchen, complete with Lincoln’s signature facial hair.

For the sake of historical accuracy, please note that Lincoln did not have the beard in his wrestling heyday, nor was his beard made from purple construction paper.

Wrestling was no doubt excellent preparation for Lincoln’s careers as a lawyer and, eventually, politician. At a heated debate for a Senate seat, Steven Douglas began his oration praising Lincoln, but rapidly plunged into insults. Lincoln launched into this long-winded and questionably-relevant anecdote about his mom’s gingerbread men:

As [Lincoln] was sitting there, the young boy of an even poorer neighboring family came along and said “Abe, gimme a man.” Abe gave him one of his gingerbread men, and the boy devoured it in two bites while Abe was still biting the legs off of his first. “Abe,” the boy said, “Gimme that other’n.” Lincoln wanted the other for himself, but he gave it to him and the boy devoured it just as before. “You seem to like gingerbread men,” Lincoln observed. “Abe,” he replied, “I don’t s’pose anybody on earth likes gingerbread better’n I do — and gets less’n I do…”

Turning to Douglas in the midst of the debate, Lincoln said he couldn’t understand how he had so completely misunderstood his positions, and noted that he had been blindsided by Douglas’s flattery. Recalling the debate, Lincoln noted “I was not very accustomed to flattery and it came the sweeter to me. I was rather like the Hoosier, with the gingerbread, when he said he reckoned he loved it better than any other man, and got less of it.”

This is a very confusing way to say: Make some gingerbread!

Don your size 14 (Lincoln’s actual shoe size!) socks while shopping for grilled cheese ingredients:

You know what they say about men with big feet…they might have Marfan Syndrome, the symptoms of which include extra-large feet and hands and unusual height (Lincoln was 6′4″). However, recent study of Lincoln means he likely didn’t have this condition, due to his excellent heart health.

Once you’re at the grocery store, gather popular input, as Lincoln did when deciding to grow his iconic pre-hipster beard.

The fine Kroger employees were divided over their cheese preferences, ultimately recommending two separate nations, er, cheeses: A yellow cheddar and a muenster cheese. Rest assured that you are the first people to bridge this particular topic at a Kroger deli.

Inheriting a country split over the expansion of slavery, the Great Emancipator himself wasn’t all that “great” in terms of unconditional abolition:

“If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that. What I do about slavery, and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the Union.”

Lincoln was, however, a great fan of abolitionist Frederick Douglass. Let us raise a glass of water (Lincoln’s favorite drink, yawwwwn) to writer, publisher, ex-slave, feminist, and posthumous AfroSheen Spokesman, Frederick Douglass.

In our Frederick Douglas research, Questlove drew our attention to this bizarre ad that aired during Soul Train. Just…watch it for yourself, ok?

This Frederick Douglas exploration led us, in turn, to watching a fascinating-but- definitely-pirated VH1 Soul Train documentary.

OK, back to the 1860s. Make a grilled cheese house out of three of Lincoln’s favorite foods, crackers, cheese, and toothpicks apples.

Lincoln paraphrased the gospel of Mark to describe the fractured nation: “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Nor, indeed, can a grilled cheese in the oven.

Well, buddy, you tried.

Hail to the Cheese!

Sarah & Erin

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him cheese.” -A. Lincoln

Originally published at commanderincheese.tumblr.com.