Ben Carson

We’re a week and a half away from the South Carolina primary, and already the pool of candidates is shrinking, so we wanted to be sure to include this gem of a candidate while the rumors that he has dropped out are still false.

To begin, drive to the store of your choice. In deference to Dr. Carson’s upbringing in the Motor City, be discreet about the fact that you are driving a Japanese car. If you must mention it, make sure your tone is quiet, scholarly, and very, very calm.

After returning home, begin, like Dr. Carson’s first career, with a highly delicate operation:

This will require both precision and confidence and you should treat these two babies Babybels as though you were a “brilliant young pediatric neurosurgeon.”

And now for the bread. What more fitting sandwich could we ask for to represent a man who believes that Joseph from the Bible built the pyramids in Egypt to store grain than to build a pyramid with grain? Even better, ten grains.

Begin by cutting out 4 equilateral triangles and a square:

Then assemble the pyramid using slaves — er, toothpicks.

Insert the cheeses in the pyramid…

… and seal it up, more or less hermetically.

For this one, your toaster oven will not do:

so bake your pyramid in your regular oven. This change of baking location symbolizes that what might be good in one circumstance (for example, neurosurgery) might not be good in another (for example, the presidency of the United States).

While you wait, pour yourself a glass of Satan’s wine

to remind you of who Carson believes encouraged Darwin and who is currently leading the US. (Like Carson, Satan appears to be a multitasker.)

After a bit of Devil Juice in you, you might feel like multitasking yourself, so while you are waiting for your pyramid to bake, you may find yourself dozing off to the sound of Dr. Carson’s soporific voice:

When you wake up, you may realize you’ve discovered a cure for insomnia, but to your extreme consternation, a quick Google search proves you were not the first to discover it:

Good news will Trump trump your disappointment, though! Your pyramid is ready!

Enjoy while you mull over these other noteworthy facts about Benjamin Solomon Carson:

Finally, a very happy and cheesy Presidents Day to you all!

Hail to the Cheese!

- Sarah

“We should be concerned not only about the health of individual patients, but also the health of our entire society. [Cheese will help on both the micro and the macro levels.]” — Ben Carson

Originally published at

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