Chris Christie
WHAT?? Did we slip into an alternate universe in which New Jersey Governor Chris Christie succeeded Millard Filmore as the 14th president?
Don’t worry, folks. We’re still going to be making a sandwich honoring the United States’ hottest president. But this week, in the wake of the first caucus of 2016, we interrupt our regularly scheduled programming with the first of several posts recognizing some of the current candidates for this year’s presidential election. We are doing this for several reasons:
- To remind us that WE ARE MAKING HISTORY, PEOPLE. Choose your candidates wisely because years weeks from now, people we might be making sandwiches based on them.
- Our plan is to post every week from Election Day 2015 to Election Day 2016, so if we stuck to the 43 presidents we have had, we would run out in mid-September. This would renege on our promise to you, the readers, to us, the gc-makers, and to cheese-loving historians everywhere. We will not do this. No, folks. We will not.
- The field is just too darn fantastic right now to not memorialize these characters in bread and cheese.
SO. The Chris Christie grilled cheese:
Begin by driving to Dunkin’ Donuts and asking the gentleman behind the counter which donut he would recommend for a grilled cheese sandwich based on the NJ Governor. “A bagel,” he suggests, nodding slowly and taking comfort in the fact that there is a counter between himself and you. “No good,” you return. “It has to be a donut.” And it does.
“The plain one?” he asks.
“Yeah!” you exclaim, picturing the sandwich already…
“We don’t have any,” he replies.
“Oh.”
After many further suggestions, deliberations, and culinary hypotheses, he suggests a simple donut with sugar on it.
“That will work!” you say.
“But we might have one with no sugar on it. I will look.” Perfect! you think. That will symbolize Christie’s more recent commitment to live a more healthy lifestyle. (Because nothing says healthy like a grilled cheese made with a sugarless donut.) Your friend disappears into the back and emerges triumphant with a single no-sugar donut:
You are not sure how this is different from the “plain” one that started the conversation, but you don’t push it. This is politics, after all. Sometimes you have to accept your small victories and move on…
When you return home, slice the donut in half and put gorgonzola crumbles on each half.
The gorgonzola is a reference to the NJ Democrats who accused Christie and his staff of wasting taxpayer money on luxuries like extra gorgonzola. (Fox News in a fit of characteristic subtlety called this incident “Gorgonzola-Gate.”) Put the now-cheesed donut halves in your toaster oven and bake until cheese is melty.
Meanwhile, heat up some (veggie) meatballs in tomato sauce. Like Christie and a Camden elementary school child, you believe that meatballs will improve your dinner, so you “throw those babies in there.”
This process will take about 10 minutes. While you are waiting, grab a beer and pretend you are drinking it with Christie himself. Preferably, it will be a Slow Ride in memory of all those folks who had a very, very slow ride trying to cross the George Washington Bridge in 2013.
You can also listen to “Born in the USA” since Christie adores Bruce Springsteen.
Remember to turn your sound system away, however, since Springsteen himself does not share Christie’s affection.
Finally, it is worth singeing the meatballs to be distracted by this musical commentary on Bridgegate:
Once both the donut and the meatballs are heated, cut the meatballs and distribute onto one half of the donut:
Reunite the two halves in honor of the slight bipartisanism he displayed in response to President Obama’s support after Superstorm Sandy on 2012.
The result?
Christie might not have fared well in Iowa on Monday, but he does just fine in sandwich form.
Hail to the Cheese!
- Sarah
“I don’t compromise my principles for politics. [I might compromise my principles for a grilled (donut) cheese, however…]” — Chris Christie
Originally published at commanderincheese.tumblr.com.
