Franklin Pierce

Now that we’ve properly saluted the roster of current presidential wannabes — who today battled for Wisconsin, America’s cheesiest state — we jump back to the 1850s. Here, we’ll raise a glass to America’s probably drunkest, but definitely hottest, president: Franklin Pierce.

Let’s explore a different, but only marginally-more-presidential, Frank(lin) the Tank.

In 1852, the Democratic Party was in turmoil, facing a nation ripped apart over the expansion of slavery. The Democrats figured their best chance at uniting the country was to nominate a candidate whose clear vision, steely resolve, and #flawless diplomacy could heal an increasingly fractured nation.

Unfortunately, the Democrats didn’t have that candidate. They had Franklin Pierce.

The party settled on Pierce as its nominee after 48 rounds of voting. This lethargy resonated throughout the party, as Democrats apparently couldn’t even hire a decent marketing manager: one of their actual slogans was “we Polked you in 1844; we shall Pierce you in 1852.” Yikes, guys! Keep it in your pants!

You know what they say! 49th time’s the charm!

Pierce picked up a love of booze in taverns on the campaign trail. Pre-game this grilled cheese by sampling the alcoholic beverage(s) of your choice:

If my mom is reading this, I swear that Elizabeth left the whiskey, Chris left the beer, and PJ left (some of) the rum.

Franklin Pierce was born in Hillsborough, New Hampshire, which eventually earned him the snappy nickname “Young Hickory of the Granite Hills” (a nickname a full SEVEN SYLLABLES LONGER than his actual name). Dave’s Killer Organic Bread seemed like the most hearty and New Hampshire-like of breads, as confirmed by 50% of the native New Hampshirites I know:

Uh-oh! A conflict! Franklin Pierce was no stranger to those, and particularly awful at handling them. Theodore Roosevelt would later write Pierce was “a servile tool of men worse than himself.”

But back to the New Hampshirish grilled cheese. My Very Political New Hampshire Friend Will Vormelker suggested I create French toast in honor of nor’easters, as the ingredients one purchases in preparation for a nor’easter are (Will tells me) milk, eggs, and bread.

Much like Franklin’s level of effectiveness as a president, these eggs were rotten.

Also, I didn’t have vanilla, only almond extract. This grilled cheese is shaping up to be a monumental disaster, similar in scope to Pierce’s foreign policies!

Slip some Jack Daniels into your French toast batter, which consists of milk, cinnamon, nutmeg, and, why the hell not, almond extract.

Cut your Dave’s Killer Bread into the shape of Kansas, dip it into the batter, and grill away. The bread will smell DELICIOUS, much like Kansas in the early 1850s, luring white settlers with the promise of cheap land that no doubt smelled of whiskey, cinnamon, and almond!

But the Kansas Bread will taste simultaneously scorched and soggy. On the brink of statehood, “Bleeding Kansas” became the battleground for pro- and anti-slavery forces. This lack of cohesion was due to Pierce’s short-sighted domestic policy and/or a lack of eggs. Watch it crumble before your eyes.

Add pub cheese for a messy, promising-but-ultimately-hugely-disappointing sandwich. Tastes like Pierce’s entire presidency.

Here are some additional depressing Pierce facts:

• Pierce was a big believer in Manifest Destiny. Carving up the American West, He made way for the intercontinental railroad to travel from Chicago to San Francisco…neglecting the fact that 10,000 native people already occupied the area. Railroad tycoons, land barons, and shady politicians conspired to snatch the land away from the locals.
• Two of Pierce’s sons died in infancy, and the third, Bennie, was decapitated in a horrifying train accident, in front of his parents.
• During Pierce’s presidency, Republican Senator Charles Sumner blasted Senator Andrew Butler as taking the “the harlot, slavery” as his mistress. In typical Senate fashion, this speech went on for two days. Furious, Butler’s cousin, Congressman Preston Brooks, literally beat Charles Sumner unconscious on the floor of the Senate. As an act of solidarity, Southerners sent him new canes. (I can’t find a proper citation, but I seem to remember my sixth grade history teacher quoting Butler as self-righteously sniffing, “A gentleman would appreciate the meaning of a good caning.” This ranks second only to “Bless your heart” as the most cutting of Southern sayings.)
• And one uplifting fact from my bread bag: Dave of Dave’s Killer Bread fame spent 15 years in prison. Upon his release, he vowed to make the most epic bread ever, and I must say: Mission accomplished! That bread is delicious.

I will conclude this post with with Pierce’s own words regarding next steps, at the end of his singular term as president: “There is nothing left… but to get drunk.” Au contraire, Mr. Pierce: There’s usually some pub cheese left, too.

Hail to the Cheese!

Erin

Originally published at commanderincheese.tumblr.com.