Hillary Clinton
Commander-in-Cheese’s final candidate for the 2016 presidential election has been in the limelight for so long we’re amazed she hasn’t turned green. (She certainly HAS a lot of green.)
To buy the ingredients for today’s sandwich, walk to your local grocery store. This is less an effort to be green than because Clinton hasn’t driven a car in two decades. Your mission: collect as many kinds of voters cheese as you can. Your sandwich must be everything to everyone. In other words, it must be:
- sharp like cheddar
- sweet like goat cheese
- spicy like Habanero Hot Pepper cheese
- blended (and moderate) like a bag of Mexican Style Blend
- classy like creamy Toscano soaked in Syrah
Above all, it must be:
To parallel the range of cheeses and as a nod to Senator Clinton’s extensive international experience (she visited 112 countries and was traveling for over a year of her time as Secretary of State), select a variety of breads including naan, pita bread, wheat crackers, and some leftover bread you had in your kitchen (see! You can be frugal when push comes to shove!).
As a woman, Clinton cannot escape the latent/blatant sexism undergirding mainstream media. For example, consider the differences in the following search results:
In protest, your sandwich will take the form of a patriarchy pantsuit. (Because if we are summing up a woman in a single consumable item, we might as well go the whole nine yards and reduce her to an article of clothing as well, right?)
Cut the pants out of the naan (folded over so you have two pieces).
Then cut the jacket out of the pita.
Now, add an astronaut helmet and moon boots in honor of Clinton’s early desire to be an astronaut (and her response from NASA telling her “We don’t take girls). If you have your own moon boots, use them to kick the patriarchy in the butt.
Be liberal but not too liberal in your dispersal of the cheese. Make sure every constituency type is represented.
Cover with the other halves of the breads and bake in the oven for a while.
As you wait, you can listen to Clinton’s acceptance speech for her Grammy:
Your sandwich should be cooked but not overcooked. It should be hot but not scalding. It should not be cool either. The bread should be crispy but not crunchy, and the cheese should be melty but not flowing. Compare it to every other sandwich you’ve made. It won’t be as good as they were, but compare it anyway.
Finally, remove your sandwich and enjoy.
As you do, open up a bottle of Wild Blue, recognizing all the times that people’s wildness (and blue-ness) has been tempered in response to politics, patriarchy, and prejudice.
While you sip and munch, you can also consider several other Hillary facts:
One final (and crucial) note: Refrain from sending any emails while making and eating this sandwich. The security of the entire country depends on this.
Hail to the Cheese!
- Sarah
Originally published at commanderincheese.tumblr.com.
