James Madison

This fine provolone was crafted in Wisconsin. Guess who the capital of Wisconsin is named after? Boom, James Madison, the subject of today’s Commander-in-Cheese.

Quadruple-decker grilled cheese with honeycrisp apples (the fanciest of apples) and toothpicks in it? Lavish.

Much like the dinner served in the White House one sweltering summer night in 1814.

On August 24, 1814, two years into the aptly-named War of 1812, British troops descended upon Washington, DC, burning several of DC’s most iconic structures (thankfully, Ben’s Chili Bowl was not yet there to be plundered). The British regiments included many Canadians — our treacherous overly-apologetic northern neighbors were still loyal British colonists.

As the British army approached the White House, Dolley Madison and her staff fled, abandoning a sumptuous feast (which, no doubt, included fare at least as decadent as quadruple-decker grilled cheese). The British troops, famished from a long day of marching and ravaging cherished symbols of democracy, helped themselves to the table set for 40. They toasted “to peace with America [aw!] and down with Madison [dick move, guys. who paid for that wine?]”

Above: Though our honeycrisp apples were, sadly, not authentically Virginian (as Madison was), here’s an authentically Canadian hand burning a perfectly good grilled cheese sandwich. WILL YOUR THIRST FOR DESTRUCTION NEVER BE SATED, CANADIANS?

I can only imagine the horror Americans felt, witnessing an invading army pillage and burn the “presidential mansion.” It’s comparable to my horror seeing grilled cheese set aflame. Probably.

Though the British immolated the White House, the Capitol, and the Library of Congress, there’s a silver (or should I say, red, white, and blue? hiyooo!) lining to this story. Less than a month after the White House burned, Francis Scott Key published the Star-Spangled Banner, penned while witnessing a battle in Baltimore. From the ashes of the charred White House arose the Era of Good Feelings, a time of untempered patriotic hubris. And of course, British flames could never singe the Constitution (author: James Madison), a living document forever etched in the hearts and minds of all freedom-loving Americans. Way to make nationalistic lemonade out of lemons, America!

Finally, we end on a sweet note: Ice cream, one of Madison’s favorite treats. Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream was an obvious choice.

A few other interesting facts from the Madison era:

• The War of 1812 left us with an enduringly accurate description of DC summer weather. Describing a freakish storm, the impressively named- and titled-Rear Admiral Cockburn disparaged: “Dear God! Is this the weather to which you are accustomed to in this infernal country?“
• Dolley Madison is often credited with saving a famous painting of George Washington as she fled the White House. However, Paul Jennings, a 15-year-old enslaved attendee to the President, and French John (no one was super-creative with names in this era, huh?), a steward, were also vital in saving this iconic portrait.
• While Americans awesomely shoved our freedom in Britain’s smug face, launching another war on Britain a mere 36 years after the Declaration of Independence, Canadians achieved their independence in 1867. How this transpired, according to the Canadian source pictured above: “We politely asked for our independence, and,150 years later, we got it.” In conclusion: USA! USA!

Hail to the Cheese!

-Erin

Originally published at commanderincheese.tumblr.com.