John Kasich
It’s Super Tuesday, y’all! In theory, the results from today’s primaries and caucuses will weed out the candidates whose campaigns are floundering. But as we all know, Theory went to visit her cousin Reason who has been studying abroad in Anywhere But Here since a certain coiffed pile of money announced his candidacy mid-June. Which means that we have candidates like John “I can’t read all that; I don’t want to” Kasich predicting that Trump will win all 12 Super Tuesday states while also claiming that he believes he will win the nomination. It looks like Kasich will be wrong about both predictions, so as a consolation prize, we dedicate today’s Commander-in-Cheese to him.
To prepare for the sandwich, three steps are necessary: 1.) honor Kasich’s alma mater (and this grilled cheese chef’s current educational institution) by donning some THE Ohio State University gear:
2.) Show what a liberated woman you are by leaving your kitchen:
and preparing and eating the sandwich in your living room.
(Even better, set up shop next to your mail wall to remember this son of TWO USPS WORKERS!!!!)
3.) Play “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” by U2 to recognize Kasich’s BFF, Bono, and to sum up what most Republican voters seem to be thinking about the (relatively) moderate governor from Ohio.
For the bread, purchase a plain bun from Wendy’s, which was founded in Columbus, Ohio.
This will cost you a mere 30 cents, of which Kasich, who has the reputation of being a budget hawk, would no doubt approve. The money you save could go toward refunding Planned Parenthood, of which Kasich would no doubt NOT approve.
Today’s sandwich will be a variation of a buckeye, the classic Ohioan peanut butter and chocolate treat intended to look like the nuts that come from the state tree of the same name. Gather some peanut butter and chocolate chips, both from Kroger (another Ohio establishment):
Next, spread peanut butter on one half of the bun and Trader Joe’s goat cheese with honey on the other half:
[Like Gov. Kasich, this sweet and slightly tangy goat cheese is about as moderate as you can expect to get–assuming the rest of the cheeses you have are Rocquefort and Stinking Bishop.]
Put the two halves together and arrange some chocolate chips on the top of the bun.
Recognize that you might be breaking your Lenten fast of giving up sweets, but you’ll recall that Kasich (who once considered becoming a priest or even the pope) left the Catholic church, so any guilt you feel will have a distinctly Episcopalian flavor.
Place the bun in your toaster oven and bake until smoke begins to emerge because you are scalding the chocolate chips.
Appreciate your ability to open your windows,
a luxury Kasich did not have as a first year student living in the dorms at OSU. In response to this injustice, he pestered the university president’s secretary until she finally permitted him to meet with the president. Kasich learned that President Fawcett was set to meet President Nixon the following day and asked if he could go. When Fawcett refused, Kasich asked if he could deliver a letter to Nixon instead, and Fawcett agreed. While your apartment is gradually ridding itself of the smell of burned chocolate, you can enjoy the following selections from Kasich’s letter:
- “I would immediately pass up a Rose Bowl trip to see you. My parents would permit me to fly down and see you anytime and I know my grades wouldn’t suffer … I know how busy you are and this is probably a ridiculous request but to me it would be a dream come true.”
- “I think that you, as far as I can judge, are not only a great president, but an even greater person.” Hm…
- “When (OSU) President Fawcett told me that he was going to see you, I told him I would pay a $1,000,000 to be in his place. Since I don’t have a million dollars, I am relying on your grace.”
- “P.S. If you’d like to discuss this letter further, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’ll make myself available. I’m a college student. I’ve got time. I’ll come to you.”
Spread the melted chocolate a bit, and voila! You have your John Kasich buckeye grilled cheese sandwich.
Enjoy it now, because like Kasich’s candidacy, it won’t last forever (although, to his credit, he has already lasted longer against a Bush than the first time he ran).
Hail to the Cheese!
Sarah
ps: As a follow-up to the Ben Carson sandwich from two weeks ago, and to the (very polite) request that Dr. Carson made during the last Republican debate:
we felt the need to oblige using what remained of the 10 grain bread from his sandwich:
You’re welcome, Ben. You’re very welcome.
Originally published at commanderincheese.tumblr.com.
