Millard Fillmore

We first meet young Millard Gilmore as a studious 15-year-old girl, living with her quippy young mother a charming, quirky New England town…

I’m sorry? Oh, it’s Fillmore?

Fillmore Girls: In this series reboot, Rory is replaced by a xenophobic president whose hair had a tragic flat-iron accident. I await your call, Netflix.

Sadly, a hackneyed Gilmore Girls reference is the most thing interesting about Millard Fillmore.

When scrambling for “10 Things You Should Know About Millard Fillmore,” History.com tells us he “is usually remembered, if at all, for being the butt of innumerable jokes about everything from his supposed lack of accomplishments to his unusual name.”

All the White House could come up with was this backhanded compliment–and you know they LOVE presidents over there: “Millard Fillmore demonstrated that, through methodical industry and some competence, an uninspiring man could make the American dream come true.”

There you have it, folks. Millard Fillmore is the pumpkin spice latte of American presidents.

But this is not a blog about basic Starbucks beverages, it’s a blog about grilled cheese, so we will forge ahead!

As you’ll recall from last week’s riveting edition of Commander-in-Cheese, Millard inherited the presidency when Zachary Taylor suddenly died.

Is it possible to make a grilled cheese as bland as Millard Fillmore? Of course not; grilled cheese isn’t that boring. But I tried, with this lonesome saltine, filled with goat cheese.

The saltine’s solitary state reflects the fact that Fillmore did not have a vice president, and that, as a Whig, Fillmore was the last president to be neither a Democrat nor a Republican.

The saltine should be grilled (ok, singed) to represent the one awesome thing Millard Fillmore ever did: Running to save the burning Library of Congress, then supporting the replacement of all the burned books.

Increasing tensions about the expansion of slavery (noticing a theme yet?) marred Fillmore’s presidency. Though personally opposed to slavery, he supported the cobbled-together “Compromise of 1850” to preserve the Union. The compromise

“allowed the newly formed territories of New Mexico and Utah to decide the slavery question for themselves; admitted California as a free state; banned the slave trade (but not slavery) in Washington, D.C.; settled a Texas boundary dispute; and authorized the use of federal officers to capture runaway slaves.”

After implementing this totally-consistent policy, Fillmore sighed in relief:

“The long agony is over. […] These several acts are not in all respects what I would have desired, yet, I am rejoiced at their passage, and trust they will restore harmony and peace to our distracted country.”

Uh, sure, buddy, whatever you say. I’m sure that compromise will really last.

Fillmore eventually made a bid for re-election with the Know Nothing Party, whose platform was opposed to both immigrants and one nefarious minority religion. The Know Nothings suspected that this group’s loyalties lay with their faith, which was contradictory to fundamentally American values.

That’s right: Catholics.

C’mon, Millard! you might be thinking. It’s 18-freaking-55! Are you seriously proposing we not let people based into this country on the basis of religion?

Oh…right.

Originally posted by gq

Note: When Donald Trump doesn’t secure the Republican nomination and inevitably runs as a third-party candidate, I hereby nominate the “Know Nothing” as the name of his party.

In ‘honor’ of all the haters, past and present, interested in America’s presidency, we recommend eating this particular grilled cheese bathed in the light of a super-Catholic candle, and while watching the best episode of Master of None, when Aziz Ansari’s dad reflects on his journey from India to America.

Fillmore’s bigotry reverberates throughout current American politics. Rightfully so, history doesn’t remember him kindly, and neither does this blog or, I suspect, Aziz Ansari’s dad.

In conclusion: Less Millard Fillmore, more Millard Grillmore.

This post was, surprisingly, not sponsored by Netflix.

Hail to the Cheese!
Erin

Originally published at commanderincheese.tumblr.com.