Ted Cruz

Greetings, loyal Grilled Cheesers! Continuing our brief hiatus from past presidents, we continue to delve into current presidential candidates.

Today, corresponding to the Nevada Republican primary, we honor Ted Cruz, in grilled cheese form.

In lieu of bread, substitute ketchup chips, a Canadian delicacy, recalling Ted’s birth in Calgary, Alberta.

Realize our transportation of said chips from Toronto to Berkeley may not have been, uh, legal. As an “off-the-charts brilliant” graduate of Harvard Law, Ted would probably would frown upon this flagrant act of chip smuggling.

Add black truffle goat cheese, since the Cruzes enjoy black truffle-flavored cuisine. Also, as goat cheese is one of the most squishable of cheeses, consider it a reference to Cruz calling his fellow Republicans “squishes” for not filibustering a gun control vote.

Whatever you do, definitely don’t include avocados. Ted Cruz hates avocados. Ted Cruz is a monster.

Hold up! Channel Ted Cruz’s hatred for the Affordable Care Act and, mid-grilling, grind everything to a halt, much like Ted during the the 2013 federal government shutdown.

While you’re waiting for the sixteen day government shutdown to end, be sure to do things to stay healthy. Like taking your free birth control pills!

Ponder if Ted Cruz has ever known any physical plain similar to the excruciating, monthly agony of unmitigated menstrual cramping. Nope, probably not. That guy doesn’t even like avocados and is therefore (I assume) incapable of basic human empathy.

Once the government/oven shutdown is over, and you’ve successfully cost the American people $24 billion, reward yourself as a champion of fiscal conservatism with this delicious (?) chip/cheese concoction. As a garnish, include what I’m 85% sure is a Buttercup, in honor of Ted Cruz’s favorite movie, The Princess Bride.

As you wish!

Hail to the Cheese,


Originally published at commanderincheese.tumblr.com.

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