33 year old virgin
(until 3 weeks ago)
Late bloomer
The desire to lose my virginity* crept up on me so slowly I hardly noticed. It was a subconscious desire at first — a feeling that something was missing in my life— but it grew and grew until I couldn't ignore it any more.
I thought about it all the time.
Most people start doing it when they are much younger than 33. In fact they usually start doing it once a week or so when they’re teenagers and by the time they hit 25 they’re doing it every day.
I'm just a late bloomer. While other people have been doing it for years, I've spent my time reading books, blogging about food and taking photos. I guess I would have done it sooner, but I've been feeling kind of ashamed. I mean, there are all these gorgeous, sexy 25 year olds out there and they do it so effortlessly and naturally that it makes me feel anxious that I’ll be bad at it.
I think anxiety grows with age.
Performance anxiety
The problem with starting as late as I did, is that you really worry about doing a bad job. You look around at other people your own age and see that they've been doing it for years and are really good at it.
It’s natural to compare yourself to other people, but this will only make you feel like a failure. Try not to do it.
When I look in the mirror I see a woman in her mid-thirties with shirt blond hair (think a non-lesbian Ellen Degeneres circa 2005) who should really wear more make-up if she is to have half a chance of attracting anyone. I'm afraid that people will laugh and say:
‘You’re too old for this, stop wasting your time.’
I don’t have as much confidence as I did when I was younger. I used to believe in myself more. Now I struggle to convince myself that I have as much right to be doing it as any one else.
Right place, right time
You have to chose the right time and place for your first time — and the right people of course. Once you've made the decision that you’re going to do it, it’s tempting just to say:
‘To hell with it! I'm doing it here and now!’
But it’s really better to wait and make a plan. You’ll need to think about what kind of place would be best for you and whether you’ll need any special materials. You’ll need to decide on the timing too — should it be related to a special occasion, or should it just be on any random Tuesday so that it doesn't feel like such a big deal?
For my first time I didn't plan anything, I just went ahead and did it. Afterwards, I kept waiting to feel different, to get some sort of reaction from the world. I thought I would feel like I’d finally made it, but I didn't. I feel just like I did before except that now I keep thinking about the next time.
Doing it again
Where? When? How? Will I get better at it? These are normal questions to ask yourself after the first time. I made a lot of mistakes during my first time. My second time was better, but I still have a way to go before I can start to feel like I'm getting the hang of it.
Like most things, improvement is a question of practice and persistence. I'm just going to have to keep on doing it.
*I lost my YouTube virginity three weeks ago and I'm feeling really anxious about it. If you want to tell me to stop making vlogs and leave that to the young people that’s ok, just leave a comment below or on the video page. Thanks.
