Mastering the Art of Communication with Kids: A Comprehensive Guide
Parenting is often painted as a journey that one cannot truly comprehend until they themselves embark on it. As a parent, I can attest to the truth of this statement. However, another truth that should not be overlooked is the complexity that underlies this life-altering experience. Parenting is far more than simply providing the basic necessities like shelter and food for your child. It spans a broad spectrum of responsibilities that require a delicate balance of love, patience, and understanding.
These responsibilities encompass our daily rituals such as mealtimes and bath times, but also extend to dealing with illnesses, scheduling and attending doctor visits, assisting with homework, and navigating through the emotional upheavals that occur as our children grow and mature. In essence, the list of responsibilities we shoulder as parents is indeed endless. However, amidst all these tasks, the primary objective that I perceive is to lay a robust and unshakeable foundation for our children and impart the valuable lessons that life has taught us.
Effective parenting is built on several key principles, but the cornerstone among them is acknowledging the emotions of our children. It’s important to not just acknowledge their emotions, but also to give a name to their feelings and show understanding without questioning or dispensing unsolicited advice. Children have a deep-seated desire for their feelings to be heard and understood. As parents, we can facilitate their emotional growth by using complex words in context, thereby enhancing their vocabulary and cognitive development.
When the feelings of children are denied or dissuaded, it often gives rise to negative responses. Conversely, accepting and acknowledging their emotions can generate a sense of comfort and security. It’s also essential to make the child feel respected by listening attentively and responding with empathy. Instead of merely agreeing, delve deeper into their statements or moods, provide specific explanations, and foster a sense of empathy.
One constructive method to channel the anger in children is through engaging in physical activities and creative outlets like drawing. Encourage your child to express their feelings through these mediums. More often than not, you’ll witness a transition from angry scribbles to drawings of happy, smiling faces.
As parents, we must not only acknowledge all feelings but also set clear boundaries. Remember, even a simple presence can work wonders when children are upset due to their tired or busy parents.
Communication is not always verbal; non-verbal expression plays an equally important role. Let your child perceive the emotions in your tone and gestures but avoid agreeing with or emphasizing self-directed name-calling. A simple, calming response can often pave the way to self-directed problem-solving. By describing their feelings, they feel accepted, and this acknowledgment can be incredibly impactful.
Encourage your child to perceive situations from different perspectives. Avoid dismissing their negative feelings, as it could lead to a worse reaction. Even if their statements seem flawed or defeatist, don’t argue, instead, agree and grant them the freedom to imagine.
Stating the obvious can be comforting for kids. Reassure them that you understand their challenges and emotions. Remember, real listening requires effort and patience. Instead of imposing a list of do’s and don’ts, foster an environment of mutual understanding and cooperation. Keep the dialogue open, and always remember to acknowledge and praise their efforts.
One of the most insightful resources on this topic is “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. And Listen So Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. They highlight an important truth that children do not always follow what parents say — they instead observe and imitate what parents do.
Reflecting on my own childhood, I can confidently say it was a good one. However, now that I have grown, I realize that my past errors in judgement were partly due to a lack of real knowledge inclusion in my upbringing and a reluctancy or imposition during my teenage years. This realization has made me more aware of the things I would not hide or portray to a child, and the values and behaviors I would strive to demonstrate.
Discussing these matters is one thing, but it’s equally important for other parents to reflect on their methods, compare notes and make adjustments as needed. Parenting is undeniably a challenging journey, but there are some common life scripts that I feel were missing from my youth, and I was allowed too much free rein. I hold my mother in high esteem, but self-doubt often triggers critical reflection about how things could have been better.
It is often frustrating when my parents don’t accept my views, dispute most of my statements, and feel they did adequately. In such moments, I believe in adopting a holistic and inclusive approach towards communicating with kids, keeping in mind their developmental stage and how they perceive their world. I would even discuss things that might affect them. It’s essential to include strategies for coping and ways to interpret various situations, using metaphors to depict reality.
Avoid using simplistic language; instead, use descriptive words that evoke emotional responses. This is how psychology worked in rehab, where the therapist would try to elicit reactions to understand the individual better. If the reaction was inappropriate, he would guide towards the correct response.
Discontent often leads to becoming distant from others and objective reality. I speak from personal experiences.
The most affecting disagreements don’t necessarily revolve around major topics; it’s the accumulation of little conflicts that can have a significant impact.
In conclusion, acknowledge and consider all feelings. Avoid masking emotions, as these hidden agendas teach the child more than explicit lessons. Children are perceptive, and even if they don’t fully understand, they sense the underlying confusion. This could unintentionally mislead them. Therefore, remain open about feelings and assumptions. Don’t deny feelings; instead, open a dialogue and foster an environment of understanding and acceptance.
Further references that could assist in navigating the terrain of parenting include Behaviour In Public Places by Erving Goffman and The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry.
