Get off me, part 1.
“I perform better under strict micromanagement” said NO employee, in the history of employees, ever.
Before I get started and for the purpose of this blog and the others to follow, my aim is to touch base on what it’s really like to be micromanaged and how it affects your psyche in most aspects. You as a reader will step into the shoes of an antisocial introvert who happens to be extroverted enough to be a top performing Sales Executive.
Yes, we exist.
It goes like this.. Your alarm goes off at 5.30am. You have every intention of getting a head-start on your day and obviously attempting to wake up enough to dress yourself without falling flat on your face with both legs stuck in the same trouser hole.
Coffee.. where is the coffee..
It’s now 7.30am. Yep. You’re still in bed playing a game of snooze with your alarm clocks and trying to convince yourself that you need this job. Sometimes I think we should all be gifted the High Voltage Ejector Bed for those mornings where your body, mind and soul simply cannot fathom the day ahead. I’d like a queen size please. Thank you kindly.
So you’ve now made it to work, you give yourself some praise for not throwing your empty coffee cup at the driver who was so far up your backside he practically was in the car with you..
(YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Mhm. I am quoting Gandalf. Nerd alert.)
Sorry, back to the story. In case you lost track, we’re at the part where you’ve miraculously made it to work and you have a quick look around to see who’s lurking in the office, avoiding eye contact with anyone to avoid awkward morning conversations as you’re incapable and/or allergic of small talk, they sound a bit like this:
Guy from Accounting: “Ooooooooh good morning you!”
Me: “Yeah.. Sup..”
*looks at mobile pretending to read the non-existent message you just received with that weird side smile that happens in this situation.. it looks like a newborn who is attempting to pass gas*
Guy from Accounting: “Sun’s shining, we should all get kebabs for lunch.”
Lol wait.
In this moment you want to say: “So because the Sun is shining, you want kebabs for lunch. I see the logic actually. The Sun shines by turning hydrogen into helium in its core, this is called nuclear fusion. Fusion happens when lighter elements are forced together to become heavier elements. When this happens, a tremendous amount of energy is created. The energy that’s created, causes immense cravings for barbecued pork, the cravings target mostly Accountants; because they usually wear reading glasses and the Sun reflects off their specs.”
But you end up saying —
“I don’t like food.”
In hindsight, the scientific approach worked far better at coming across somewhat human.
I keep going off course, but as an introvert who is suffering with anger issues against humanity due to one person with peanuts for brains and too much authority, I have a lot to say.
Now you can breathe, your manager hasn’t arrived yet — he’s late as usual, and the guy from Accounting is taking kebab orders from the Marketing department.
I am aware that I keep referring to any annoyances as ‘he’ but that’s only because ‘she’ is one extra letter that I don’t have the energy to spell out for you, due to the tragic events of this morning, I did indeed — end up with two legs in one trouser hole. This paragraph was unnecessary wasn’t it. Speaking of unnecessary..
9.03am and your emails have just loaded.
And this is the part of the day where you want to just rip every strand of your own hair out and eat it.
I’d love to tell you what the content of these emails were that made me feel this way, or even just one of the subject lines at least, but all I can tell you is who the sender is. Can you guess? The villain of our series, the one and only — MICROMANAGER.
Tune in to Part 2 of the Get off me series — coming soon to a screen near you.
Insanity: brought to you by humans Incorporated.
