Get off me, part 2.
Ego; noun
The part of you that defines itself as a personality, separates itself from the outside world, and considers itself a separate entity from the rest of nature and the cosmos.
In short, “I.”
If you’re going to read this, you should probably read Part 1 first, it’s just the natural order.
Before I tell you what made me want to rip my own hair out and eat it, you need to know what happened the day before..
As a Sales Executive my day-to-day activities consist of approaching potential clients and interesting them enough to invest in my product, and by interesting them, I mean manipulating my words to them in a way where they’ll believe that what I have to offer will make them rich, and this is all without lying to them, which is a Subtle Art if I may so myself.
Reality is, the product won’t benefit them. The amount they would need to invest, in order for it to be of any benefit to them will surpass the actual potential earnings — so I know I either sell at a lower price to be that good Samaritan or I sell at the price I am capable of means I can pay my bills & rent this month from my commissions and use my incredibly low & pitiful salary for myself. When I say for myself, I mean to eat and put fuel in my car, so yeah, life.
SO.. The day before, I had taken the initiative to approach a monster of a company and try to discover what their current needs are.
(This would allow me to make my grand entrance as their Saviour.. Melissa, the redeemer of cash flow statements.)
Remember kids, these clients need you, you don’t need them. See, now I’m believing my own lies because of a quote I read from Dale Carnegie, or was it Mark Lee Alch? Who knows? Not me. I’m just trying to please my manager, the Micromanager, the villain of this series.
Random tip of the day: Any more than 5 rings to any human, you should hang up, you don’t want to look desperate.
Ignoring my own tip of the day, I’ve let the phone ring 12 times and it’s gone to Mr Big Guy’s direct voicemail. I’m thinking of a message to leave. Knowing how big of a client this could be, I really don’t want to mess it up.
I become anxious.
I start to sweat a little.. actually a lot. I lied again, I think I’m turning into a pathological liar.
I could just quit my job and pursue my dream of becoming a member of the Lost Boys to be close to 1987 Kiefer Sutherland. But can you guess the issue? Time travel isn’t actually a thing peeps.
There’s a reason Rick and Morty don’t bother with all the mind-bending, paradoxical problems that come with time travel, it’s too problematic. So it’s replaced with inter-dimensional travel. Conclusion: I can jump through a portal from one timeline to another, but never back in time.
I wonder if there’s a timeline where I’m a vampire and not a Sales Executive? If so, I need to build me some intergalactic portal technology.
It’s nearly time, the pre-recorded voicemail message is coming to an end.
I hear the beep, I’M READY…
“Hi it’s Melissa from *insertcompanynamehere*, how you doing? I’m afraid the calls I have made to the company today to speak to someone were unsuccessful and I was informed I should speak with you directly. I want to discuss a proposal with you. Let’s talk, feel free to give me call back anytime.”
Great, or is it? It would have been, if that’s what I had left as a voicemail.
Instead, I panicked, I panicked bad.. It started off well, but I somehow ended the call before I could finish the message. WHO DOES THAT? As a result, this is what Mr Big Guy would have received:
“Hi it’s Melissa from *insertcompanynamehere*, how you doing?
…
…
…
I’m afraid.”
Erm…
Tune into Get off me, part 3 to find out what happened with Mr Big Guy and how I somehow managed to get him to sign a contract even after he asked me why I left him a voicemail stating that I was feeling fearful.
Maybe you’ll find out what my emails consisted of too, if you’re lucky. Oh and how my intergalactic travels went for me, I thoroughly enjoyed myself in Gazorpazorp.
I’m off to take a short course on ‘How to not hang up prematurely when leaving a voicemail and how to get back from Gazorpazorp without destroying the entire universe accidentally.’
Laters.
