In his classic poem, “Mending Fences”, Robert Frost explained how some believe that “Good fences make good neighbors”. Fences definitely have their place in the outside world, but walls inside our lives do not. In the course of a lifetime, most of us experience emotional pain and rejection, criticism, neglect, betrayal and abandonment. When our hearts become wounded, the most natural thing to do is to shut them down so we don’t feel the pain, and build walls around them so they won’t get hurt again. Over a period of years, we might erect multiple walls, with motes and cannons guarding the doors of our hearts to make them completely impenetrable. Initially, this seems like the best thing to do, because it makes us feel more safe and secure. After all, self-preservation is our strongest natural instinct. Unfortunately, living inside our own little world is also the loneliest and most unnatural way to exist.

Walls are erected to keep people at a distance and that distance later makes us isolated and lonely. Walls are built for protection from the words, deeds, and attitudes of others. Unfortunately, they not only keep out the bad, but also the good — things like comfort, encouragement, love and friendship. It’s virtually impossible to develop true intimacy with anyone when there are walls guarding our hearts. Without real intimacy, what kind of relationships can we really develop? Walls keep our relationships distant, shallow, and unfulfilled. So why then do we continue to build them around our hearts?

Some of us have grown up feeling unloved and don’t feel worthy of love. Others are afraid to experience deep love, because if they lost it, it would hurt too much. Rather than risk getting hurt, they settle for unfulfilled, dispassionate relationships that don’t even come close to reaching their potential for true friendship, romance, or intimacy. Many people are afraid to let others inside to really see their hearts because they fear that if people really knew them well, they might not like them after all. Some have opened their hearts a few times and had them deeply wounded. As a result, they have decided to devote themselves to self-protection, forgetting that:

Those who are wrapped up in themselves present a very small package.

Walls limit our potential to love, live, laugh, learn, feel or grow. They limit our relationships, our partnerships, our fellowship, and our joy. Possibly the greatest problem with walls is that they not only keep things out, but they also keep things in. Inside our walls, all of the painful emotions of a lifetime are held captive, pressed down deep and hidden, until we can hold them in no longer. The overflow of these negative emotions from our souls into the lives of others causes them hurt and motivates them to build their walls higher and thicker as well, so that during the next encounter they will not be hurt more by us. The aftermath of yet another conflict convinces us that maybe Robert Frost was right about us, and we get back to repairing the cracks in our walls.

How tragic it is to live lives that keep emotions in and people out! Walls limit our potential to become all that we were created to be! Let’s devote ourselves to building community by tearing down the walls in our lives and relationships and the fences in our society.

Robert Frost didn’t say that good fences make good neighbors. In his poem, “Mending Fences”, he was exposing humanity for its habit of making fences to keep people out and remain separate and aloof from others. Mankind erects many fences based upon race, creed, religion, politics, and nationality. All of these fences keep us separate and hinder mutual dialogue and understanding. I believe that most wars and divisions of mankind have been caused by fences of some sort that created misunderstanding and prejudice.

Some insist that they could not live without the walls around their hearts. They believe that these walls provide safety and protection. In truth, these walls isolate us from real life and from intimate relationships that extend below the surface. Walls are cold. Walls are hard. Walls are stiff and rigid. Walls are sterile. Walls separate and isolate. Need I say more? If we would like the preceding adjectives that describe walls to define our lives, then we can keep the walls. When we decide that the imagined safety and protection is not worth the cost of being cold, sterile, hard, rigid, isolated and lonely, we can then begin demolishing the walls, stone by stone and brick by brick.

Walls only provide “imagined” protection and safety because inside the walls that keep us small and isolated, the damage is already done. The words have already been embedded in our minds. The hurt has already hit and made its mark deep in our hearts. The sickness has already spread to our souls. All of the walls that we erect only keep all of that hurt, damage and sickness inside. We can only be healed by lancing the wounds to allow all of the bitterness and pain to flow out and be cleansed. We can only build healthy relationships by removing our walls and letting others inside. We can stuff the hurt and pain inside for a lifetime, or we can decide to deal with it and desire to become healed and whole.

True maturity and community is formed in a matrix of relationships, not in independence and isolation. Living and relating with people is not easy, but it’s what we were really created to do. True maturity and purpose can only be discovered, developed and displayed in a world of people who have learned to live without walls.