Watching all the nonsense in my head when I meditate

1, 2, 3, 3, huh? 4… she was pretty — is this meditation?

Watching all the nonsense in my head when I meditate

Meditation time. Morning. Sit down on my cushion. Set the timer for 20 minutes. Pick up the singing bowl. Stike it. Ah, shit. No that was wrong. I hit it wrong. Stop it vibrating. OK, try again. Yes. Nice hit. It rings clean. Now wait until the sound dies away. Almost, almost, now. Ah, shit, too soon. It was still vibrating a little. Bugger. Must have more patience next time. OK, whatever.

Click start on the timer. Watch it tick down 1 second. OK, it’s working. Shut eyes. Start counting. 1. Breathe in, breathe out. 2. Breathe in, 3, breathe out. Hold on, did I just count on the out breath too? Not sure. Think so. OK, 2 again. 2. Breathe in, breathe out. 3. 4. 5. 7. No shit. What about 6? You did 6. Did I? Who’s speaking? Me. You. Ah shit. Your counting. That’s it. It’s not so hard. Well, you’re making it hard. Shut up. Count. Where was I? 7. I think. OK, 7. Breathe in. Don’t hold onto 7. It’s just 7. Say 7 in your head and then breathe in and breathe out. OK.

What’s going on with all this counting? It’s just counting. Is the brain quiet? No. Of course not. I can get the hang of the counting, but thoughts slip and slide around the numbers. Like take last night. What happened last night? I danced. I met that girl. What was her name? Mona. Yeah Mona. Nice girl. Pretty. Reminded me of someone. Should have asked for her telephone number. What? You’re thinking. That’s bad. It’s not bad. Let it go. Thinking it’s bad is thinking. Oh yeah. OK. 25 breathe in, breathe out. 26, 27.

I’m hungry. What have I got to eat? What do I have to do today. I should check my emails. Shut up. What’s that? Think about those Chinese people you saw sitting on the bridge meditating. What? You know in China they arrest torture and harvest live human organs from people just because they meditate. Well, they probably do a better job of meditating then you’re doing. OK, let it go. Yeah. 31, 32, 33.

Imagine that new apartment you’re going to buy? Yeah. What colour should you paint it? It would be cool to have a chandelier and big gawdy gold frames with photographs for old tango artists on the wall. OK. Not now. Let it go. 38, 39, 40, 41.

Cats. 42, 43. Mobile phones, email, Facebook, yeah whatever. 44, 45, 46. 46. You did 46 twice. Shit. OK 46, 47, 48, 49, almost done. Shut up. 50.

Now what. Remember when you first learned to swim. You went in the pool. You crouched and put your feet against the wall. You pushed off the wall and lay flat on the surface of the water. The water held me up. No movement. No arms. No feet. Just float. Remember. Remember?

Yes, I remember. I feel it. I’m there. Good. Good.

My neck is itchy. No it’s not. Yes it is. So what? Let it be itchy. I think there’s a spider crawling on my neck. Oh — shut up.