Acceptance — Why so hard?

Part 1

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According to Google’s dictionary, one definition of acceptance is “the action of consenting to receive.”

Sounds lovely on its face, doesn’t it?

Why then is it so hard?

According to the above definition acceptance involves 3 unique things — action, consent, and willingness to receive. Each of these things require something of us. Action requires practice, consent requires agreement, and receiving requires willingness and openness. None of these is easy.

Acceptance then is the practice of agreeing to be open to receiving what is true and real.

One acronym for REAL is Raw Experience Affecting Life:

Raw = Painful, difficult, true to life, untreated

Experience = Happening

Affecting = Having an impact

Life = Existence

So, what does this all mean?

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Acceptance is an acknowledgment — a recognition of painful and difficult occurrences in our lives that impact our existence.

When reality is denied, no acceptance or recognition of what is happening is possible, and we continue to be stuck.

In 12-step recovery, acceptance is integral to practicing the 1st step and is necessary for all subsequent change. It is only through admitting and surrendering to the raw experiences of our lives that acceptance comes. Only then, can we move on to Step 2 where we can find hope, a new path, and a new street to walk down. (For more on that “new street,” you might want to google “An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.”)

A few observations about what makes acceptance difficult:

1. Acceptance is an act of humility, and we may confuse humility with humiliation.
2. Acceptance is what we most need from ourselves, and most struggle with self-acceptance.
3. Acceptance is freedom, yet we cling to the familiar — even when it is uncomfortable.
4. Acceptance requires willingness, and we humans are willful creatures.
5. Acceptance can be an admission of a need for help, and this can bring up shame.

Acceptance and Shame

Developmentally, at about 3 years of age, humans begin to experience themselves as separate persons from their parent(s) or caretaker(s). This is when the roots of shame take hold. When we are 3 years-old, we are identified with our needs, and we are necessarily and appropriately “self-centered.”

When our needs as young children are NOT met, we create meaning from the fear and pain that arises. For example, if I as a child need to be held or need to be comforted by my parent(s)/caretaker(s) and I am ignored or worse, this experience becomes coded internally as “I must be bad.” In other words, I believe my needs are not being met because I am bad. This is a survival mechanism built into our psyches to protect us: we are wired to develop beliefs that give us a sense of power and control. Otherwise, the world would simply be too scary — a place beyond our control.

This sense of control is an illusion, of course. How much power and control does a 3 year-old have? Very little, right? And so, our internalized “shame voice” is born.

Over time, as we age, we find more and more evidence for what the “shame voice,” tells us about ourselves. For most, the shame voice says, “I don’t matter,” or “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m too much.” The “shame voice” lies to us by omission: it does not tell us the whole compassionate story.

You might be asking, how does any of this relate to acceptance? Well…

Acceptance is agreeing to experience the truth.

In searching for acceptance, we stumble into the pain of what we thought was true — our shame-based thoughts. So, there is unlearning as well as learning to be done — about ourselves, about others, and about life as life really is.

How to Concretely Practice Acceptance

This all may seem rather esoteric and abstract, but there are concrete ways to work on acceptance.

Here are 10 practices of acceptance we can integrate into everyday life when we are resistant or stuck and our “shame voice” begins chattering:

1. I’m/You’re/They’re allowed to be a person.
2. I/you/they are allowed to have needs.
3. Yes, and …
4. This is REAL.
5. Behavior is constant without significant effort.
6. Everyone is doing the best they can given where they are and what they have.
7. Of course. (Be sure to check for hope and make sure it is not resignation.)
8. No wonder.
9. Let it be.
10. Breathe.

We are only human after all. As you listen to the song below, think about your relationship with yourself.

Rag’n’Bone Man — Human Lyrics

Acceptance is just the start. It invites us to begin— again, and again, and again.

And that is why it is so hard.

Photo by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

Namaste.

Love & blessings,

Sherri

Next, Surrender — Embracing with acceptance.