3 things to know before you have that next tough conversation
Your teammate let you down again by not delivering. Someone else is grossly overstepping and it’s affecting you and your work. You know you need to talk to them, but what do you say without the conversation blowing up or becoming a boxing match? I’m happy you asked.
While conflict can be hard and awkward, it’s ultimately healthy. I’ve been dealing head-on with conflict the last couple of years, and I’d like to share the framework I use when approaching those tricky conversations. It’s not a prescription, and it won’t guarantee you a perfect outcome. But it will help you make the most of your conflict and set you up for an effective resolution.
1: Start with you
Before you approach that certain someone, think about what you want out of this conversation. Do you want the other person to be more honest or stop stepping all over your toes? Figure this out first.
Everything else in this discussion filters through this idea and keeps you from getting distracted in the thick of a conversation.
Be careful about the stories you tell yourself
We tell stories all the time—it’s how we make sense of the world. Sometimes the stories we tell about other people completely misrepresent them, and that’s problematic.
Typically, we tell ourselves one of 3 kinds of stories about others:
- That person’s a villain: they’re out to get you (they aren’t)
- I’m a victim: you’re totally innocent, right, good, and have done no wrong (you probably aren’t)
- I’m completely helpless: you had no other alternative (you definitely do)
These happen, to be sure, but are much less likely to be the case than you think. People generally aren’t out to get you. Think about Hanlon’s Razor:
Don’t assume bad intentions over neglect and misunderstanding.
It’s important to get your story straight because that’s at the heart of most misunderstandings.
Is this a one-off behavior or pattern?
Think back about what you’re going to talk to them about: is this an isolated incident or part of a pattern?
One-offs can generally be handled much easier with a quick “can I give you some feedback? When you do X, it causes Y.” Easy.
Patterns need a little more work but identifying them helps you get a better handle on the situation. You also may need to rely on more than one instance to make your point clear to the other person.
2: Lead with the facts
Once you’ve established what you want from the conversation, it’s time to go have it. Here’s my framework, adapted from Crucial Conversations:
- Start with the facts: say what’s going on, just using facts. You’ll tell your story after.
- Tell your story: tell the conclusion you’re beginning to reach. Talk about how it impacts your job, how it makes you feel, or impacts the team.
- Ask for input: you need to hear from the other person, that’s the point of a conversation. Not to shut someone down, but get into dialog about what’s going on. After you’ve done the first two steps, ask them how they see it.
The facts
The best place to start any conversation is with facts. Talk about what you saw and heard. Things like “I noticed that…” or “the last time we talked about this, you said…” are good starters. This is the least insulting way to begin a conversation and this guards against people from becoming defensive.
Your story
Once the facts are out, tell your story. “This impacts me in this way…” “I start to think that…”
This helps people understand the conclusion you’re drawing since you’ve just laid out all the evidence. This, paired with the facts you’ve shared help make the most compelling case possible—you can’t have one without the other.
Their input
Finally, ask for their viewpoint. This prevents your conversation from being one-sided. Ask open-ended questions like “how do you see it?” “Can you help me better understand?”
Don’t ask things like “isn’t that right?” or “what can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?” Those shut down the conversation and undermines the point of what you’re doing. (Also, you come across like a tool.)
3: Make it safe
The only way to get into a productive conversation is to make sure people feel safe. Otherwise you’re wasting your time.
For some, it’s easy to tell when they’re feeling unsafe: they get angry or start yelling. Others, it’s tougher: they withdraw, become sarcastic or otherwise don’t engage. If you spot any of these things, your conversation might be unsafe.
If it becomes unsafe, take a step back. You’ll need to reestablish two things:
- Mutual purpose: we want the same thing, your goals are important
- Mutual respect: I’m not here to berate you, we’re here to resolve a problem
Contrasting
My favorite tool for keeping things going in a conversation is contrasting. It’s a great way of clarifying what you’re telling someone and undoing any misunderstandings.
A couple of examples:
- “I’m not saying you’re a terrible teammate, I’m saying you not showing up makes it hard to do my job.”
- “I’m not saying you have to do everything I say, but this is my domain and you need to let me do my job.”
Contrasting usually happens at the moment a misunderstanding arises. However, you can also do this at the beginning of a conversation if you think there’s likely to be a big misunderstanding.
One important thing to note about contrasting is this: make sure you don’t water down your message. Always be direct.
Wrapping Up
Conflict is unavoidable and often awkward—but it doesn’t have to be. We’re often distracted by adrenaline and emotions in a tense conversation, but this framework helps you be a bit more objective about it. Ultimately, conflict is healthy if you make the most of it.
If you start with what you want, you’ll be less distracted in the conversation. If you avoid telling yourself stories about the other person, you’ll see the situation more clearly. If you lead with the facts, you’ll be more persuasive and less insulting. If it gets tense, use contrasting to pull things back together.
Hopefully, this helps you have a more effective conversation!
