Why I Almost Quit Writing And The One Reason I Won’t

When I read the news about bombing in Paris, I felt the same sense of disconnection that I had felt when the WTC towers fell on September 11, 2001. Then, I had seen images of people jumping out of the building and I just couldn’t reconcile these images with what they actually mean: it took me a while to realize that they were jumping to their deaths rather than being killed in a fire. Then came Paris. It’s just a few hours away from where we live and then I found out that attacks on a Schiphol airport were planned as well. I wanted to write something but first, I send an email to my cousin in Paris, saying: “are you OK?”

Luckily, she was.

So I sat down to write.

My Story

I wanted to tell you about all of this and how sick and scared and frustrated I was. I had hoped for a better future than this one. My grandfather had to go into hiding during the World War II. For four months, he lived in the ruins of Warsaw, cold and scared for his life. He survived but he came out a broken, sick man.

I wanted to tell you of the time, shortly before I was born, when they pronounced Martial Law in Poland. When I was a baby, they did a power demonstration in Warsaw and used gas on the streets. We were living on one of Warsaw’s biggest streets and my father had to take me on to the roof because I couldn’t breathe.

I wanted to tell you that, years later, I was so happy when Poland joined NATO and later the EU. I thought that we’re going to be safe now. I was proud to call myself a European citizen.

I hoped that now anyone will have the right to move anywhere they want, marry anyone they want. I hoped that no one will have to worry about their and their children’s safety. Having the freedom to move around Europe as I wished, I went to Germany to study, and there, I met my husband and then had children. I hoped I would bring them up in a world where the worst thing I’d have to worry about was what my kids would eat for breakfast.

Reality Crush

Instead, I inherited a world where September 11th is reality and not just a scene from a bad movie. A world where Paris happened, where millions of human beings put their children on rubber boats in the hopes of a better future and where little boys turn out dead on beaches.

Every day, as I tuck my kids in for the night, I ask myself the questions: “Will that be us too? Will I have to put you on a boat? Will I have to take you on a roof for your safety?” and I pray that I won’t have to.

I hoped to live in a free, safe world and I got Paris. In Cologne, just a few hours away from where we live, women were groped and hit and undressed. The same happened in Hamburg, my beloved city where I lived, studied and met my husband.

Add to this fact that I don’t know how many times I have to answer the question: “Hey, what’s actually going on in Poland?” I can only shake my head and be very embarrassed for my country.

Here’s why I won’t stop writing

Seriously, this world is making me want to stop writing, stop doing anything really, because what’s the point?? That, and the sheer exhaustion from having to pick up my middle child from school early because of potty training problems. Each ride was 1 hour each way. After 2 hours in the tram I was too tired for writing. So why not quit?

Community. That’s the point. That’s the reason I stay sane and that’s the reason I keep writing. And I think in difficult times, community is more important than ever. By that I mean the face-to-face interaction with your neighbors, family and friends, but also the wider community of the Internet: you.

And that’s why I won’t stop writing. Because the whole point of blogging is to build, maintain and connect with a community. I have to go back to the reason why I started my blog: to speak out, help others and look at the world with new eyes.

I will not quit blogging and writing. I missed it too much. Even during the break, I was always thinking about what I want to write about or how I wanted to tell you about the new cool book I was reading.

Thank you!

I wanted to say a big thank you to you, my community, for staying with me, reading my posts and being so supportive. Thank you for reminding me, every day, that my voice counts and to keep on writing, no matter what.

This post was originally published on The European Mama. Follow me on Facebook and Twitter