Can We Really Design Our Relationships?
Exploring Conscious Relationship Design — is it really possible?
Under the warm mid-May sun, Emily and Alex pause on a verdant hillside, the trail behind them winding through new blooms and bright greens of spring. They’re not just on a physical hike; they’re navigating the future of their relationship, questioning the traditional path laid out before them.
Alex breaks the silence, his voice thoughtful. “What if we decide not to ride the ‘Relationship Escalator?’ You know, the whole deal — marriage, buying a house, having kids — just because it’s what’s expected?”
Emily takes a moment, her response inspired by a book she’s been reading, The Other Significant Others, which champions placing friendship and community at the heart of personal lives. “I love that idea. What if our relationship could be a network rather than an escalator to ride? Including our friends, maybe even exploring ethical non-monogamy. A design where we support each other’s individuality as much as our togetherness.”
This conversation embodies the essence of Conscious Relationship Design (CRD) — a deliberate choice to reconsider societal norms and craft personal connections that truly reflect each person’s values and needs. Rather than following the automatic steps of the Relationship Escalator towards traditional markers of “success”, Emily and Alex consider a more holistic — and expansive — approach, where relationships are not measured by their conformity to societal standards but by their ability to fulfill the evolving needs of those involved.
Central question: Can we really design our relationships? This is the very question we will examine in this article, exploring the concept of Conscious Relationship Design and its potential to transform how we create and navigate intimate connections.
CRD is about challenging the notion that intimate relationships should be defaulted to from the outside in and instead posits that they can be designed from the inside out, creating a web of connections that include bespoke combinations of humans and relationships. This approach recognises the richness that diverse relationships bring to our lives, underscoring the idea that being “significant” isn’t reserved for romantic partners alone.
Our default “outside-in” approach
From a young age, we’re exposed to powerful cultural narratives that shape our ideals about romantic relationships. Familiar scripts like finding your “one true love,” the fairytale wedding, and raising 2.5 kids in a suburban home are reinforced through movies, books and even toy marketing. Family and social circles often ask prying questions about relationships escalating to the next standard milestone of cohabitation, marriage or parenthood.
These external pressures to conform to specific relationship structures can create tension and discord when our internal desires and needs differ from the imposed norms. The mass media portrayal of intimacy frequently idealises monogamous partnerships while stigmatising or omitting other relational configurations like polyamory or chosen families without romantic ties.
The sobering reality is that rigid adherence to conventional relationship scripts has limitations. Research indicates that traditional gender roles and societal expectations can lead to mental health issues, emotional repression, and reduced relationship satisfaction. For example, men who conform strictly to masculine norms often face emotional dysregulation and higher rates of depression and anxiety. Moreover, relationships that deviate from these conventional scripts tend to be more flexible and adaptive, fostering healthier and more sustainable connections. This suggests that external models, particularly those based on outdated societal norms, may not cultivate the healthiest intimate relationships for many people.
Reframing with “inside-out” design
Conscious Relationship Design provides an alternative framework, one that prioritises proactively aligning intimate connections with personal values, needs and emotional self-awareness from the inside out. At its core are the principles of intentionality, open communication of boundaries/expectations and the flexibility to co-create customised relational structures that support the growth of all involved.
Rather than defaulting to culturally-inherited drivers, CRD begins with tuning into one’s desires, needs, boundaries and fears first. It recognises that humans have diverse needs for connection, sexual expression, autonomy, and community that can’t be satisfied through one-size-fits-all models. An “inside-out” approach questions whether conventional ideals like lifelong monogamy, restrictive gender roles, or scripted relationship escalators align with one’s intrinsic values and vision for fulfillment.
Embracing CRD offers numerous benefits for individuals and their relationships:
- Enhanced self-awareness: By focusing on internal needs and desires, CRD encourages a deeper understanding of oneself, leading to more authentic connections.
- Improved communication: The emphasis on open and honest dialogue fosters better communication skills, enabling partners to express their needs and boundaries clearly.
- Greater emotional intimacy: Prioritising empathy and mutual understanding creates a safe space for vulnerability, leading to deeper emotional bonds.
- Increased adaptability: Recognising that relationships are dynamic allows for flexibility and growth, enabling partners to evolve together over time.
- Customised fulfillment: By designing relationships tailored to individual needs, CRD promotes greater satisfaction and well-being for all involved.
There are an increasing number of examples of nontraditional relationships designed this way, from polyamorous formations to “living apart together” (LAT) set-ups that maintain separate residences. Data indicate a growing interest in ethical non-monogamy, with one 2016 study estimating that one-fifth of the U.S. population had participated in some form of consensual non-monogamy in their lifetime, including polyamory, swinging and open relationships. More recent data show a lower percentage of participation and a higher (1 in 6 — just about the same as the number of Americans who have a cat) interest in polyamory.
Building the skills for emotional intimacy, empathy and mutual understanding creates the foundation for designing relationships grounded in each person’s authentic needs rather than external expectations. An iterative mindset is required — relationships are dynamic journeys of growth and change, not static expectations to be met.
Crafting connections from the inside-out demands vulnerability. One must confront fears of judgment, alienation or social failure for deviating from norms. Developing resilience through open conversation and a commitment to each person’s autonomy enables confronting these challenges as a couple — or group of partners.
Personal narratives
In the world of polyamory, I’ve seen how relationships like those of Jean and Molly can flourish under the principles of open communication and mutual respect. Jean, after opening her marriage, found unexpected personal growth and a deeper connection with her partner. Molly’s journey into polyamory not only rekindled her self-identity but also enhanced her relationship with her husband, highlighting how flexible relationship models can significantly enhance personal and shared fulfillment.
Then there’s the story of Alex and Sam, who chose a Living Apart Together (LAT) arrangement. They maintain separate homes yet share a deep, committed relationship. This setup allows them to cherish their independence without sacrificing their emotional closeness, showcasing that love does not require constant proximity.
Chosen Families also offer poignant examples of consciously designed relationships. My friend Lisa has formed a chosen family based on shared values and mutual support, providing a strong, enduring network that stands as a testament to the idea that family isn’t just about blood relations; it’s about who you choose to be with you through life’s journey.
Research corroborates the stories from these non-traditional relationships. Studies indicate that many traditional marriages falter due to unmet emotional needs. According to findings published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, relationships designed with openness and flexibility tend to address these needs more effectively, thus reducing the likelihood of infidelity and increasing overall satisfaction.
Navigating this less-trodden path requires confronting societal judgments and personal fears. Developing resilience through these challenges involves open conversation about goals and co-creating detailed agreements that respect each partner’s needs. These stories of non-traditional relationships not only challenge conventional norms but also highlight the profound fulfillment that comes from designing relationships from the inside out.
The takeaway
Intimate relationships don’t have to be dictated by strict cultural norms and narrow definitions of commitment; they can be living, breathing canvases for self-expression and personalised fulfillment. Conscious Relationship Design provides a powerful answer to our central question: Yes, we can design our relationships. By embracing an inside-out approach, we can craft connections that align with our authentic needs and values, prioritising our (and our partners’) evolving needs and desires over external expectations.
CRD offers a transformative framework for creating and navigating relationships, empowering individuals to enhance self-awareness, improve communication, deepen emotional intimacy, increase adaptability and achieve customised fulfillment. By leading with intentionality and open communication of boundaries first, we free ourselves to design bespoke relationship configurations tailored to the unique individuals involved.
While confronting default societal scripts requires vulnerability and resilience, exploring Conscious Relationship Design enables more thriving, customised intimate connections that better reflect our multidimensional human experiences. This inside-out approach recognises that humans have diverse needs, desires and capacities for various forms of love and intimacy, inviting us to create relationships that truly nurture everyone’s growth and well-being.
What do you think?
As we’ve explored the concept of Conscious Relationship Design, I invite you to reflect on your own relationship experiences and patterns. How have societal norms and external expectations influenced the way you navigate intimate connections? Have you ever felt a discrepancy between your internal desires and the prescribed Relationship Escalator?
Consider how embracing an inside-out approach to relationships might lead to more authentic, fulfilling connections in your life. What would it look like to prioritise your evolving needs and values in the context of your relationships? How might open communication, empathy and iterative design transform the way you engage with partners, friends and chosen family?
I dare you to start a conversation with your loved ones about Conscious Relationship Design. Share your thoughts, fears and hopes about crafting relationships that truly align with who you are and what you (both/all) need. Remember, CRD is a collaborative journey — one that invites us to reimagine the possibilities of love and connection.
Additional resources
If you’re curious to learn more about Conscious Relationship Design or would like guidance on applying these principles in your own life, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can explore how CRD can help you create more authentic, nurturing, and expansive relationships.
This work is a piece from my current writing project on Conscious Relationship Design. If you’d like to read along and follow more, hit the “subscribe” button to get a notification when I publish new articles on this topic.
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