Homophobia Thrives in Silence: Why The “Don’t Say Gay” Bill Fuels Stigma
“The truth is rarely pure and NEVER simple.”
~Oscar Wilde
When I was growing up in the 1970s in Spokane, Washington, being gay wasn’t a topic EVER discussed in our house. This kind of discourse wasn’t happening in my school either. You didn’t talk about gender or sexual orientation, because it was deeply repressed. The culture was strictly binary; ‘he’ or ‘she’ and ‘normal’ or ‘queer’ (as it was called then).
We just did not talk about it. My parents had an inkling something was different about me. I wanted to embroider, bake (I was obsessed with my sister’s Easy-Bake oven), and I loved to brush my sisters’, mother’s and grandmother’s hair. One day as I was brushing my grandmother’s hair, she said to my mother in front of me, “I think Johnny is one of those funny kids.”
I was confused she’d say such a thing. I didn’t fully understand her remark, but I was hit with a deep wave of shame. I stopped brushing for a quick moment, and she looked at me and said, ‘I didn’t tell you to stop brushing my hair, did I?” I remember I was about 8 years old then. Though my mother never again mentioned this story until decades later when I finally came out, that moment had been forever burned into my mind.
Meanwhile, my two brothers wanted to play sports, make model cars, and get dirty playing out in the yard. I hated getting dirty and wanted to stay clean. I liked nice clothes, and they groveled in dirt. It made no sense to me. Being a tall and husky male only made it more problematic. Everyone thought I wanted to be a football player, but I really wanted to date a football player.
My parents would talk with our family priest and doctor about my ‘behavior.’ They both told my parents not to discuss being gay, because it would not be productive and because it was a choice to be straight.
The effect on my personal development was devastating. I could not live a fulfilling life because of the shame and secrecy around being “gay.” I had no sexual experience with men until my early 30s. The advent of AIDS kept me even more afraid. Sex wasn’t normal after seeing the constant barrage of evil messages about the “gay cancer.” I dated women with the desperate hope I could change. I apologize to every one of those women. I wanted to be ‘normal.’
After years of analysis, I realized it was a choice. It was my choice to accept my God-given orientation. It was time to live my truth the way God intended it. It was time to accept my sexual orientation and learn to celebrate it. I have never looked back on that choice, and it was the greatest decision in my life.
Like myself, most LGBTQ+ kids will share that first conversation with parents about their sexual orientation or gender identity could take years, and some never ever have the conversation at all. That’s one of the many reasons the “Don’t Say Gay” legislation is so harmful, as it fuels false beliefs that sexual orientation or gender identity are ‘contagious,’ and increases stigma for the LGBTQ+ community. Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is perpetuating a false and harmful narrative, as he said in a video shared by FOX News, “In the state of Florida, we are not going to allow them to inject transgenderism into kindergarten.”
The recent HB 1577 bill passed in the Florida legislature was created to give parents greater control over their children’s education, vindicating their “parental authority.” This will unfairly target the LGBTQ+ community — particularly gay and trans students. While the word ‘gay’ is not present in the bill, the inference is there. The bill includes “prohibiting classroom discussion about sexual orientation or gender identity.” An example of the impact is that it could be interpreted to make reading inclusive books to children, such as a character with same-sex parents, illegal.
As Monica Hesse writes in the Washington Post, “What counts as official “classroom instruction” vs. casual discussions, involving teachers, that happen in the classroom? Even legal experts aren’t in agreement on how the law will be applied…Perhaps the people who support these bills might feel differently if they understood there are perfectly wholesome ways to talk sexual and gender difference in the classroom: answering honestly if a student asks why their friend has two moms, or asking the kids which pronouns they prefer.”
There is such a huge spectrum of different people in LGBTQ+ culture. Trying to ignore or not discuss that topic is disastrous to our own personal and societal health. Personally speaking, I was never able to individuate as an adult because I was living a “double life,” and that took tremendous energy and a toll on my mental health. I had to act one way in school and another way at home. I would get into fights, but mostly ignored the taunting and jeering.
As an adult, I spent thousands of dollars on therapy. One therapist asked me why I was so concerned about what other people thought of me? He said that homophobia and racism thrive in silence. He said that I needed to be rid of my own internalized homophobia. I could only do that by embracing my truth at home and in the workplace. Luckily, my coming out happened while working at Microsoft, which was and still is a very LGBTQ+ positive.
I shared in an interview for Forbes that being in the closet in the workplace gives people power over you, because then they can speculate. If you’re living your authentic, honest self at work, people don’t have a chance to talk or gossip because you’ve set the record straight. When you say, ‘My husband and I,’ rather than ‘my partner and I;’ they’ve lost that power over you. Unfortunately, so many people don’t realize that when they come to work, and they put on their ‘closet face.’ I think owning it in the workplace is super important.
Denying the existence of people’s identity or orientation because it is uncomfortable to discuss is not the answer. Parents need to talk with their children about all issues, including the complicated sexual orientation and gender issues that arise. I know about this from personal experience.
Living the truth has never been easy for transgender and non-binary people. This is apparent from bullying in schools to rising rates of hate crimes: 375 transgender people were killed in 2021, a figure that has risen since last year’s total of 350 according to Forbes.
As an article in the Washington Post rightfully notes, America’s acceptance of gay people is not about the schools. The author Philip Bump writes, “If you are gay but afraid to express your feelings publicly, you’re no less gay, but you’re also not serving as an example to those you know of who gay people are. One of the triggers for the expansion of same-sex marriage a decade ago was people coming to understand that they knew gay people who were affected by bans on marriage. More gay people being visible has meant more acceptance of gay people…That had nothing to do with what teachers were purportedly teaching second-graders.”
Ignoring or avoiding the conversation only promotes fear, shame, and ignorance. Ever since coming out in my mid-thirties, living my truth has been an imperative for me. First, it was about denying my truth, then discovering my truth, then accepting my truth and now celebrating my truth. Today I share my truth. I hope it helps the LGBTQ+ teachers, students, and parents in Florida. They need to hear us all proclaim our truth.
